Sunday, February 23, 2014

God is good, y'all.

Since my last posts, I have been thinking about how I have focused so much on the sadness I feel and a not enough on the goodness I have! God is doing some major changes in my heart and at times I think "what am I doing with my life and what are you calling me to do?!" Well, my questions still aren't answered but, while I have been a bit embarrassed of my complete unhappiness, God quickly reminds me that he called me to be honest, vulnerable, and real but, he has also called me to love and enjoy life! And guess what?! I do love my life! That week where all I could do was cry in Seth's arms and call out to God in an anger because my heart hurt so badly and my emotions were all over the place. Well, a couple of days later, I had some pretty bad bleeding that really scared me and had my Dr a bit worried as well. All my mind kept saying was "miscarriage" and I truly felt hopeless! I was broken, a mess, and just tired! I was asking God so many questions and not doing very much listening at all but, he is so good because my body was starting a cycle! My 3rd cycle without medicine creating it in over a year!!! No wonder I was all kinds of crazy that week, I have forgotten what PMS hormones are like and because this has been a rare thing for me lately, I didn't know how to handle it! According to my "Period App" (haha!) and what the Dr suspected, I shouldn't have had a cycle for another 22 days so, of course Satan crept in and made me believe the worst! 
However, as always, God proves to be bigger than all my fears, my body is just resetting and it's amazing! Every discomfort and sadness I felt, I embraced because it reminded me of who my healer is, who my savior is, and who our journey belongs to! 
One of my favorite things since my last melt down is that even with a Facebook news feed of the cutest babies, Targets precious new spring baby clothes, and an ache to be a mother to a precious little jewel, I have not cried any sad tears! I've cried happy tears, joyful, thankful, loving tears. 
The pain in my heart and the sick feeling I would get when I was so overwhelmed with confusion, have not been there. I have been extremely tired which has Satan attacking me but I so quickly realize how incredible life is. God has opened up my heart and eyes to see the beauty that is around me! My sweet loving husband, incredible family, the most amazing friends I could ask for! My life is actually really very happy! My journey is not mine, Seth and I were just chosen to go through this and I pray that every good and bad day glorifies God because his plan is far better than I can dream!
Speaking of dreams, a precious new friend of mine on a similar journey reminded me of how good it is to dream, so, I am writing down my dreams because, I never want to forget them!

I dream of a precious little girl (Eloise Joy) giggling and running around our home with Kaldi and Elmo! Running into her daddy's arms wanting to be thrown into the air knowing that he will catch her! I dream of messy faces and stained tables from creating art together! I dream of nighttime prayers and family devotions with our precious Eloise learning about Jesus! I dream of her dancing and twirling in her room with tutus and crowns, without a worry in her little life! 

I dream of a handsome little boy (Nolan Lee) playing super hero's, "flying" through the house with his cape on. Giving me momma cuddles and kisses before he goes out into the woods with his dad! I dream of muddy shoes, silly stories, and movie making! I dream of cowboys and Indians, batman and robin, bow ties and button ups! I dream of a little boy turning to a man that loves Jesus and treats others with love and respect! 

I dream of sleepless nights, kisses, cuddles, messy faces, little fingers and toes. I dream and pray for these precious little gifts every day and now instead of being sad for the what ifs and if only, I am praising God because someday I will have beautiful Eloise and handsome Nolan in my arms. Who knows how God will unfold this journey but, I believe in a God who hears our prayers and will show his goodness in incredible ways! I am changing my "ifs" to "whens"!

For now, we are praying for God's timing, wisdom and peace. We are saving money to grow our family because sadly, the options that lay before us are very expensive but, God will provide, he always does!  Seth and I are incredibly blessed with great jobs and goals but, unfortunately, our dreams go beyond our means. As we save for our family to grow, we ask you for your prayers. I have started selling MaybeBaby Flower Crowns and the money made will be going into our MaybeBabyMurphree fund for clomid, IUI, IVF, or adoption so, if you feel called to purchase one for you or a friend, know that it helps us in ways I cannot even imagine, but God knows! 

My dream for this is that as our family grows, we will be able to encourage and help other families during their MaybeBaby journeys as well! I have prayed over the future of this dream and I feel that God is calling me to reach out to other woman, couples, and families so that through simple headbands, woman will see joy in their journey, families will grow, and God will be glorified! 

I am thanking Jesus every day for this new mind set and outlook. Satan has no power in my story. Don't let him take over yours either. Choose joy.



xo, Courtney Beth








Tuesday, February 11, 2014

I just needed to be reminded.

After yesterday's pity party, a good cry, a long nap, and a morning of worship music were all that I needed to realize how much I love my life. God is just so good, y'all. I mean I was seriously broken yesterday, I just wanted to start my day all over and try again, with a smile and waterproof mascara.
I am not saying that I will never have a bad day again but what I am saying is that because I was at a point of saying "God, I cannot do this anymore, please help me." He did!
 
After I had a good cry (embarrassingly at work, in the breakroom) I texted my friend and said:
 
"Hey, I'm really sorry about my tear fest!!
I really do love Jesus so much and know his plans are
far better than I can ever imagine, no matter the outcome!
My heart is just aching so, the goodness in it all
is a bit hard to see. "
 
My friend's response was this:
 
"Seriously, there is no need to apologize! You are amazing!
Just remember, all of this pain, all of this confusion,
everything that you are experiencing right now
is being used to shape and mold you to his image.
I know you know that, but it's always
good to be reminded :)"
 
 
 
I think that is all I needed, was to be reminded that it is okay to be really sad and know how loved I am at the same time. I think that sometimes I get so worried that my physical and mental pain will hide Jesus's love in my heart and I never want to be a stumbling block for anyone. I want to be a light, an encouraging friend, an honest, loving woman. My prayer is that even when I take a moment to write about how badly my heart hurts, it will someday be such a testimony for how good God is. How completely incredible his love and faithfulness is to his children. I pray that in my vulnerability, honesty, and moments of weakness that God will use that for others to know that they are not alone in the fight. We live in a fallen world full of sin, sadness, death, and hatred but, we are not alone. There are always others that may not know what you are going through or feeling but, they will hold your hand and love you through it all!
 
 
I think there are days when all we need to hear is "go ahead, just cry. Just let it out and be sad!"
Surround yourselves with people who will let you just have a bad day, without any judgment but, will not let you stay there for long because they love you too much.
 
Sometimes, you just need to be reminded that it is okay to cry.
 
 
I pray that as I go through this journey or walk with my friends and family though their journey's that my sadness, joy, words, actions, mourning, rejoicing, and heart all bring praise you, Lord.
 
"Let the songs I sing bring joy to you
Let the words I say confess my love
Let the notes I choose be your favorite tune
Father let my heart be after you"
 
xo, Courtney Beth
 
 


Monday, February 10, 2014

Let's be real.

The realness of infertility is this:
It's terrible.
 
The past couple of weeks have been very difficult and I really haven't dealt with it at all so, I am going to be vulnerable and honest right now because that is what my heart needs.
 
I ache all over, in many different ways-physical, mental, spiritual and I feel so broken. Broken in a very whole way, if that makes sense. I can get through a day surrounded by people and be just fine, hang out with friends without shedding a tear, and spend time with Seth and family with joy in my heart. I can enjoy life, laugh daily, and pray intentionally and know that God has a beautiful plan but for some reason, I can't get rid of the continually dull and sometimes intense pain in my heart.
I try to be thankful every day because God chose me for this journey and he chose Seth to go through it with me but, the heaviness I feel is overwhelming and being thankful is at times something I no longer know how to be.
 
Infertility is such a mental battle, something that must be fought every single day but there are many days when I don't have fight in me. I just feel so tired of the unknowns, tired of feeling guilty, tired of  feeling lost, I am just so mentally tired. I long to be a mother, oh my heart, I ache for it. My heart breaks thinking about precious children without love and care and I cry out to God to show me how I can be the one to love them, cherish them, and give them the love that I have always had. I know how special a relationship is with a mother because I have that, my momma is my best friend, role model, mentor, fashion expert, fitness guru, and a completely irreplaceable part of my heart. That is what I want for myself. I feel so selfish at times because there are so many who go through similar journeys but, I can't help but want to throw myself on the ground and yell out "WHY ME, GOD?!?!?!"
 
 I feel like I fail every single day.
 I eat to fill voids so, I haven't lost the weight.
I think about the future so much that I forgot to enjoy the present.
I know how good God is but, I still feel sad.
I know that being a momma doesn't define me but, it's all I dream of.
 
I have heard stories about incredible woman who only showed courage and faith during journeys similar to mine. Woman that only had a smile and never once doubted that they would be a mom. They only have good days and never shed a tear to anyone.
 
I tried so hard to be that woman, a woman who never had a doubt or a tear. A woman that had so much courage that nothing could ever tear her down but then I realized how unreal that is.
God has laid it on my heart to not make light of my journey.
I love Jesus so much but I still get really sad. I trust in his plan but my flesh still doubts.
 
The realness of infertility is this:
it's terrible but, doable.
 
"God can't give us more than we can handle" is something that I and many others always say.
What we should really say is this:
"God DOES give us more than we can handle but, he CAN handle it for us, if we let him."
 
Through my brokenness and pain, I must say, even though it may not seem like it, I have joy.
I know that my heart is shaping to be something great, my pain is making me compassionate
 and my journey is letting me love others far more than I could ever imagine.
God is good all the time.
 
 
 
xo, Courtney Beth
 
 
The pain that you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming.
Romans 8:18