Wow.
That word stands out most when I think about the last few weeks.
Wow, that's a plus sign.
Wow, God.
Wow, life is going to change.
Wow, I need bigger clothes already.
Wow, is this real life?
Wow, Wow, WOW!
Some things have deeply been on my heart...
Despite my ultimate moments of complete ugly cries and doubt,
God has given me the desires of my heart.
Was it in my timing? No. Did I like the path to get here? HECK NO.
But, his words come to me so boldly and I hear him saying "In your doubt, you still sought me."
Now, I realize that everything I have experienced and the realistically short time that I faced these challenges are not the biggest trials in the world. But, in my world, they were.
I try very hard to never belittle anyone's trials because I have learned through this all that no matter how big or small they may seem, they are real.
For 2 years, I watched so many sweet babies bless this world and to be honest, it was really hard. I pray daily to have a heart that rejoices with others, no matter my circumstances but, when I was alone, I very much wondered "why."
I say all of this because, while I am rejoicing in this sweet miracle, posting Facebook status's comparing baby to a fruit, and embracing every moment of sickness and exhaustion, I am still continually praying for every person I know that is facing these similar challenges. At first, I struggled with a bit of guilt because of my doubt in God's plan, the fact that this journey was so short, and there are so many incredible people that I look up to that are also waiting to be mommas. I had a good talk with God about these doubts and the guilt I felt and he quickly took that burden from me. Just because there is a little apple sized baby growing in me right now, does not mean that this journey is over. There will still be challenges, fears, and insecurities but, through this all I have realized that even when I feel those burdens, God is here. When the rejoicing is unending, God is here. Being a human will always be hard and will always be filled with so many moments of difficulty but, He is always here.
He gives us moments to rejoice in and moments to mourn.
I want to look back at this time and know that I honored God throughout the journey and never once took away glory from his miracle because of my fleshy guilt.
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For the first 7.5 weeks, I was not aware that I was cooking a bun. I actually thought that I was going to need to be admitted into an institution because I seriously thought I was going insane. I had absolutely no idea why I was so sleepy ALL THE TIME. I couldn't make it through the day without a nap, or 5. I couldn't think straight. I felt like I would just watch words slip out of my mind and disappear in the middle of conversations. And the worst thing is that my "Hey Court, you should seriously workout more" shorts were getting seriously uncomfortable after meals.
So, it was quite a delight to know that after weeks of this, it was all because I was growing a tiny little baby!
Before I knew about my little baby, I met my sister and Lola in Springfield at the mall to hang out for a bit. When I met them in the parking lot, Lola was wearing a "Big Sister" t-shirt! My heart was so full of joy because being an Auntie is my best thing. At the same time though, it hurt, it is actually bringing tears to my eyes as I write this. My heart hurt because Ashley is my lifelong forever best friend and my dream was always to have children that are close. All I imagined was Lola and now this new baby to be much older before I ever had my own. I have now come to learn that a lot of family and friends were praying for me in that moment, that the joy would overcome any sadness and, praise God, it did. While this was all happening, my little baby was unknowingly growing right with her/her cousin. WOW, God I am forever speechless and grateful for your timing.
I found out I was pregnant on Friday May 30th. It took 6 pregnancy tests for me to believe it and even then, I was a bit skeptical. However, we happily told our families the next morning. The Monday after, I went to The Woman's Clinic (my infertility Dr) to have my blood work done to confirm the pregnancy. Later that day, they called to let me know that I was definitely pregnant, my numbers were very high for that but, my progesterone levels were too low. I knew that if I ever got pregnant, that could be the case, miscarriage was something that I was very well informed of with my PCOS. They called me in for an "emergency" ultrasound to see what was going on with baby. While I was completely terrified that this sweet joy that I already loved more than anything could be taken from me, I had so much peace. There were so many people praying for that appointment, some not even knowing why but still fervently praying. Once again, God answered prayers. The reason why my progesterone levels were so low was because I was 7 weeks and 4 days along. It was perfectly normal for the level to be low being that far along. Baby was healthy and had a strong heartbeat.
Something that is so amazing about all of this is that Ashley and I are 1 week apart. My baby is due January 17th and hers January 26th. I prayed for close cousins and that is definitely what God has given!! Oh how my heart overflows thinking about Lola with her 2 new babies to love on!!
Now there are days when I am brought to tears because in a few short months, I will be holding my baby. The baby I was told would never be. The precious baby that I prayed for day after day. I do not have any words that can truly express how thankful I am for this gift.
I know that there are so many times when people would give me advise about my PCOS and "infertility" and I just honestly, didn't want to hear it. But, if I could say one thing to anyone struggling with anything similar, "don't give up." You are so strong just for waking up each day, you are brave for going to work, you are a fearless overcomer.
"Beautiful baby, you're sweeter than strawberry pie
Just like the morning, your smile brings the sunshine"
Before I knew about my little baby, I met my sister and Lola in Springfield at the mall to hang out for a bit. When I met them in the parking lot, Lola was wearing a "Big Sister" t-shirt! My heart was so full of joy because being an Auntie is my best thing. At the same time though, it hurt, it is actually bringing tears to my eyes as I write this. My heart hurt because Ashley is my lifelong forever best friend and my dream was always to have children that are close. All I imagined was Lola and now this new baby to be much older before I ever had my own. I have now come to learn that a lot of family and friends were praying for me in that moment, that the joy would overcome any sadness and, praise God, it did. While this was all happening, my little baby was unknowingly growing right with her/her cousin. WOW, God I am forever speechless and grateful for your timing.
I found out I was pregnant on Friday May 30th. It took 6 pregnancy tests for me to believe it and even then, I was a bit skeptical. However, we happily told our families the next morning. The Monday after, I went to The Woman's Clinic (my infertility Dr) to have my blood work done to confirm the pregnancy. Later that day, they called to let me know that I was definitely pregnant, my numbers were very high for that but, my progesterone levels were too low. I knew that if I ever got pregnant, that could be the case, miscarriage was something that I was very well informed of with my PCOS. They called me in for an "emergency" ultrasound to see what was going on with baby. While I was completely terrified that this sweet joy that I already loved more than anything could be taken from me, I had so much peace. There were so many people praying for that appointment, some not even knowing why but still fervently praying. Once again, God answered prayers. The reason why my progesterone levels were so low was because I was 7 weeks and 4 days along. It was perfectly normal for the level to be low being that far along. Baby was healthy and had a strong heartbeat.
Something that is so amazing about all of this is that Ashley and I are 1 week apart. My baby is due January 17th and hers January 26th. I prayed for close cousins and that is definitely what God has given!! Oh how my heart overflows thinking about Lola with her 2 new babies to love on!!
Now there are days when I am brought to tears because in a few short months, I will be holding my baby. The baby I was told would never be. The precious baby that I prayed for day after day. I do not have any words that can truly express how thankful I am for this gift.
I know that there are so many times when people would give me advise about my PCOS and "infertility" and I just honestly, didn't want to hear it. But, if I could say one thing to anyone struggling with anything similar, "don't give up." You are so strong just for waking up each day, you are brave for going to work, you are a fearless overcomer.
"Beautiful baby, you're sweeter than strawberry pie
Just like the morning, your smile brings the sunshine"
