Oh what a year!

I have been on journey for a year now. I didn't know it was a journey at first and I really did not realize that it would impact my life so greatly. Everything I do, say, and think about has changed because my life has changed. I know that so many others suffer far worse and experience life changing things in very different ways but, I cannot speak for anyone and I can only pray that someone is touched by this roller coaster of a year that has happened in the Murphree home.

 

This year has come with so many emotions, more than I thought that I could feel....

 

I have felt pain, I have had fear, I have been broken hearted, I have cried myself to sleep. I have questioned everything. I have been angry. I have pretended that it wasn't happening. I have lost friendships. I have yelled. I have felt alone. I have felt like a burden. I have felt unworthy.

 

When I read that I get so teary eyed. So many emotions that I feel ashamed of admitting to. People don't talk about feeling that way. It is not the norm to share pain and struggles to a world that is great at masking issues at hand. I have always been a pro at smiling and "being okay." So why am I now feeling the courage to show that I am so very flawed?

 

It is because of the other emotions that I have felt during this past year...

 

I have felt joy. I have felt unconditional love. I have felt grace. I have felt restoration. I have gained friendships. I have embraced not "being okay" at times. I have felt peace. I have cried happy tears. I have been thankful. I have been understanding. I have been honest. I have been patient.

 

Every moment that I was broken down, God has picked me up. With every worry, I am given peace. Every heartache, I am given joy. When I have felt without, I am given so much more.

 

I can never say that this has been the worst year ever (which at times, I am tempted) because there has been SO much good! I started to name everything that I am thankful for that has happened this past year but, there is just too much. Someday I know that when I look back,
that is all I will remember about this time-the good.

 

Last week, my Dr called me after she spoke with the specialist in Little Rock and I was told that we are going to ignore my bad blood work. I was and am a bit leary about this thought but they insist that because of how great everything else looks, they believe that something in my bloodstream will not let it test accurately. So, for now we are just continuing on with the PCOS treatments. It is very hard for me to agree with that but, God has put me in incredible hands and I fully trust their judgment and their knowledge about my health.

 

On Saturday, I was supposed to start my cycle. This would be my 4th one this year but, only the 2nd one without being medically induced. My prayer was to start on my own without medicine but, Saturday came and went. It was very discouraging to say the least because I just so very badly want my body to work the way it is meant to work. Sometimes I get upset at myself for ever complaining and taking normal cycles for granted because now, that is all I want. Well, Sunday went by with nothing, Monday went by with nothing and I decided that I would call the Dr on Tuesday if I needed. When I called, they said that they would call me on Wednesday to talk about starting more medication. This saddened my heart so badly because it meant another month. Another month of medicine, another month of waiting, another month of questions and at times I feel as if I just cannot go another month. Last night, I started to feel so much pain so, I got out my heating pad and just laid there. I cried myself to sleep because of the pain and I thought I would have to wake Seth up to go to the ER because the medicine and heating pad just was not enough. I prayed silently to myself with tears strolling down my eyes.

 

There are times when I know that I am not very thankful for all that has gone on but I am learning to be. I am learning that God has hand picked Seth and I (for some reason) to go through this.

Last night, all I kept praying was...

 

"God, if this pain and heartache I feel will glorify you, then I will go through it.

help me be thankful for every moment, even when I don't want to be.

I feel like I am at a breaking point. I am so tired, so very tired.

Please show me that you are with me."

 

Well, God is good y'all. He is just really good. This morning, when I woke, I was still in so much pain, my legs actually feel numb from the pain but, I woke with so much overflowing peace.
God knows the desire of my heart and he answered my prayer.
This morning, almost exactly one year into this journey, I started my cycle...without the medicine!

 I always joke saying that "well, if my body isn't going to work then at least I have good hair!" and this morning when I called my momma crying hundreds of happy tears, she said "Courtney, you've got both. A working body AND good hair!" Who knew such a silly joke could bring so much joy to my heart! When I saw Seth, I just cried and told him the news and he just hugged me. I never thought I would be so happy because of something like this!!! 

 

Right now, I am in so much pain I can hardly stand up and Satan is being a creep telling me to complain and give up, but all I can do is rejoice because I just think about how awesomely incredible God is.

 

In the past year I have become so incredibly passionate about family, friends, PCOS awareness, mental health, and loving Jesus.

 

"Jesus came to live the life we can't and to die the death we should."-Franklin Graham

 

That is something that I will never take for granted again! 

Through pain, fear, joy, and all of life's challenges, I am thankful for this year.
 God still reigns.

 

xo, courtney

 

 We Prayed for this child and the Lord has granted us of what we asked of him.
1 Samuel 1:27
(Praying this over our life and anyone who is struggling with infertility. You are close to my heart)

 

If you have never heard of PCOS or ever been checked for it,
please get more information and/or tested for it.

 

 A few facts about PCOS:

• PCOS is a complex hormonal and reproductive disorder that affects over seven million women in the United States and 1-in-10 women worldwide.
• PCOS is the leading cause of infertility in women.
• Women with PCOS constitute the largest group of women at risk for developing cardiovascular disease and type 2 diabetes.
• PCOS is a precursor for other serious conditions including cancer and obesity.
• Suicide attempts are up to seven times more common in women with PCOS than other women.
• Pre-teens and teens can develop PCOS.
• Earlier diagnosis can give them the opportunity to better manage the emotional, internal, physical effects of PCOS.
• It can also help them prevent the onset of more serious illnesses related to PCOS.
• Despite affecting millions women and the serious health consequences, PCOS is unknown to most people and a staggering 50% of the women living with PCOS are estimated to still be undiagnosed.

 

 

sisterhood or should I say...cysterhood.

This is something I am very familiar with because, like I've posted before, I have an incredible sister. I have a momma that looks like she could be my sister! 

I also have friends that I've known for 15+ years that are like sisters and

friends I have had for a short time that are also like sisters. A sisterhood is something that I think I have taken for granted because, I have always had it. I don't think I have truly realized the power and importance of a sisterhood until this past week though.

 

My sis and a few of her friends were going to a woman's rally at church and invited me to join and of course I quickly agreed months ago. Only God knew how much I would need it on that very day because to me, I never imagined the impact it would have on this journey.

 

A week and a half ago, I received a phone call from my Dr saying that a lab came back very low and that they were going to retest it because it just didn't "make sense" and that they would call as soon as it came back. Well, early last week, they called. It came back just as low again and asked if I could come back in so they could redraw blood to do the test again because it still just doesn't "make sense" for it to come back with those numbers again.

 

This is what they are testing:

 

Anti-mullerian Hormone

 

It is a well known fact that  Antimullerian Hormone levels are elevated in women with PCOS, Policystic Ovary Syndrome.

As you may already know PCOS is a condition ( or a number of conditions)  in which follicles and eggs do not develop normally and remain very small , hence the PCO appearance of the ovaries. . As a consequence, women with PCOS have irregular ovulation or do not ovulate at all. This is associated with absent or irregular menstrual cycles.

http://www.antimullerianhormone.net/amh-and-pcos/

 

The reason why this doesn't "make sense" is because my levels are extremely low.

If the blood work comes back with the same number, my Dr will be contacting an Infertility specialist in Little Rock, AR for more information.

 

To me, none of it makes sense, both ovaries are enlarged with 25+ cysts but, none of the PCO blood work came back bad. I guess that is the point though in a journey, right? It isn't supposed to make sense to us. It doesn't make it easy, it just makes for a better ending I suppose.

 

I decided to get the blood work done last Friday, the day of the woman's event and I was very tempted to call up Ashley and cancel. I just kept feeling like I needed to go though so, I resisted the urge to change the plan and pressed on with the day. The blood work was simple, just one tube this time and they checked my blood pressure which praise God was normal!!

 

When I got to the woman's rally, I was a bit overwhelmed by the large amounts of beautiful woman at a very big church that I had never been to before but, I decided to enjoy it and trust Ashley and her friends, saying how great it is. I soon realized for myself how incredible it was. The theme for the night was Sisterhood: She is one...she is many. There was beautiful music, great speaking, and powerful testimonies and I was feeling very refreshed all the while there was a huge lump in the back of my throat and tears that I was forcing to stay inside. "I can't show Ashley how weak I am!" "I don't want her friends to think I am crazy!" "You're not wearing waterproof mascara...DO NOT CRY!" I kept saying these things over and over again. Until a lady from Tennessee spoke about when you are facing your "ocean" to just raise your hands to God and praise him. Don't hold back! I felt as if she was looking and talking right to me. It's okay to be sad, broken hearted, and scared but, I cannot forget to praise God through it all. One of Ashley's friends (Maggie) who I had just met that evening placed her hand on my back and I could hear her praying, another friend (Katie) put her arm on mine, another one of Ashley's friends (Lori) had an arm on me and another (Becky) had her hand on Ashley and then my sis held my hand so tight as I stood there and just cried. I felt so free because of these beautiful woman that during the  moving words and prayer, I just cried...I cried tears that I have held onto for weeks, months even. When the song started playing, I raised my hands up to God and when I heard these words...

 

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

 

...and I sang. I sang through my tears and I had three beautiful sisters holding onto me.

 

My mind set of wishing that more blood work was bad because then it would make sense quickly faded away and I was thankful for a pretty good report. My fears of this new blood work diminished because I am praying for restoration. My stress of not having enough time for work soon faded because I know that taking care of myself is important. My dislike of this medicine because of the side affects have turned into praise because it will soon make me feel better. All week, Satan kept putting in my mind, "you are less" and in that moment with tears pouring down my face and my army of sisters crying out in praise with me, I heard God saying "you are mine!" There are times when I do feel like I am so overwhelmed with work, worry, friendships, family, cleaning, dogs, and just life that I do feel like I am drowning in this ocean but, my God is worth praising. He is the great healer, comforter, lover, redeemer, and I will praise him, I will rest in his arms when I feel restless.

 

God knew that I needed that evening at James River to truly embrace this pain that I feel. I was surrounded by beauty, friendship, love, family, fear, guilt, shame, forgiveness, and God was in that place. God knew that I needed to let go of everything I have held in and he put Maggie, Katie, and Ashley next to me so I could see him through them that evening.

 

I have truly experienced that power and importance of sisterhood. It is to empower, embrace, support, encourage, and love on sweet girls through the good and the bad. In every circumstance that God allows us to experience, we need sisters in our lives to be constant, holding your hand when all you can do is cry.

 

I am thankful that God chose that evening for me to be broken so that I could soon just breathe. I am thankful for Ashley, my instagram "cysters", my friends from 15+ years ago, my friends whom I don't see or talk to much anymore, and my friends now. I am so thankful for every "sister" I have, if it was for a lifetime, a class period, or a few years...you were a gift to me.

 

xo, courtney

 

Read these words or listen to this beautiful song, lift your hands up to God and just breathe.

 

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

 

 

 

He never said...

August 7th 2012 was our 1 year anniversary and what an incredible first year we had! Of course life always has troubles but, I remember nothing bad about our newlywed lives. We worked completely different schedules but found every moment to see each other, write letters, and spent every Sunday together! We love to travel and had fun weekends in Kansas City, St. Louis, and exploring our home of Branson as well. Life together was just fun, safe, encouraging, and filled with so much love. Oh for the rest of my life until I am old and gray, I pray that I remember that beautiful first year!

 

Seth had planned the most fun one year anniversary day for us and it was all a surprise to me! It started out the day before getting the most beautiful arrangement of flowers, filled with my favorite, Daisy's (the happiest flower!), roses, and lilies. They were lovely shades of pinks, yellows, and white and filled the room with an incredible fragrance! Flowers are probably my favorite thing to give and receive because they are such an amazing creation that should be shared! The fact that my sweet husband remembered how much I loved flowers and on top of that, DAISY'S...that was enough for me! Seth is such a thoughtful man and the flowers was not where he stopped. That evening, we ate at The Keeter Center (at College of the Ozarks) which is where we celebrated 6 months of dating-so romantic! I have never felt more beautiful, not because of what I was wearing but because I sat next to a Godly man that loved me and chose me. How could I ever dream of a more perfect 1 year anniversary than knowing that I was holding hands with the man that I was created for and that I would keep choosing even if this first year was not as pretty of a picture! That was a very romantic night but, Seth is the romantic and I am just...me, so that is why there was a day 2 of this celebration! I woke up that next day (our actually anniversary day) not having a clue what was in store for me. I was so giddy though because I knew that Seth had his cute little half smile, squinty eyed, head bob going on which only happens when he is extremely happy or has a surprise! We put on our I love my husband/I love my wife shirts and off we went! Every plan that Seth had was to recreate something we did on our honeymoon or our St. Louis trip after- which included, zip lining, the zoo, cave exploring, shopping,  a picnic in the exact place we said "I do", and an outdoor projector screen viewing of our wedding video while we ate our year old cake! Our love is romantic, fun, spontaneous, over-the-top, Godly, and magical just like this day was.

 

This is also the day that truly changed everything. In the midst of the fun and happiness, I found myself being very confused throughout it. This is the day we met our "CAVE PROPHET." I cannot tell you exactly what he said because he sent me inside while he talked to Seth but, this is close:

Tour Guide: "Excuse me sir, this may sound strange but, is your wife pregnant?"    

Seth: "Um no sir, she definitely is not.........why?"  

Tour guide: "Well, when I looked at the two of you on the tram, God just spoke to me to tell you that you will be blessed with a baby"     

What My mind translated this to is: "Your wife is pregnant right now."

We hadn't really talked seriously about having children because we hadn't been married long however, we knew we wanted them. Especially after our sweet niece Lola Belle was born and come on, with Seth's eyes and my dimples...our baby will be a cutie! We laughed it off and gave him his nickname and told some friends and family how funny that was but really, in my mind I was just confused and weirded out. The negative came the day after which surprisingly broke my heart, I had not wanted a positive and we definitely hadn't talked about it but it still made me very sad.

Now over a year later has past and dozens of negatives have shown and I have still be so confused about why he would say that. Clearly it wasn't true. 

After my ultrasounds came back confirming that I do have PCO with 25+ cysts on each side, my blood work also came. My blood work showed quite the opposite with everything coming back in normal ranges-even the PCO scan. I asked my Dr what this means and she said "I'm sorry, but I don't know. There is no reason for this to be happening." I am thankful that my blood work shows that I am healthy. There are a few imbalances but, there is no threat of anything else. I almost wish that there was something that came up so wrong that way there would be an answer to the problems. Why after 22 years of life, this randomly happens with no cause.
This past week, I have been so upset with that man who put these thoughts in my head of being a momma when clearly that wasn't the case.

Well, a couple of days ago, a friend came to me saying he had a dream about me. I laughed it off because I was so busy and I thought he was just being silly. He came back to me a day or two later to tell me about his dream, he really did have one. He wanted me to know that he was in no way prophesying but wanted to share. He said that we were in a room with some other people when a nurse walked in and said "Courtney, you're pregnant" and then we all started crying happy tears and his old football teammate was even there happy to hear the news. haha!

We had a good talk about the dream, the "Cave Prophet", and in that moment it hit me "he never said when! " The "cave prophet" never said "I was..." or "You will be in __ months..." he also didn't say "you will carry your own child" what he said was "you will be blessed with a baby" that's it. My friends dream was the most encouraging thing because I feel like God was using him to remind me that those words are true. I will be a momma...in his time. (thank you, friend for sharing with me)

Am I still having a few side affects? yes. Do I still have fear? yes. Am I thankful everyday? no. But, I am grasping everyday the love and power that God has for me. I will have to daily choose to be grateful. Grateful for my excellent blood work. Grateful for the roller coaster year it has been. Grateful that I will be used to glorify him. I am choosing everyday to rejoice even when I fail, I will rejoice that I am alive enough to fail. My friend helped me realize that I am not forgotten. I am loved even when I am sick. I am cherished even when I doubt. I am thankful for that man at the cave-he will forever be apart of my story.  It would be so easy for me to fall into a very dark place and I feel like at times, I am standing on the ledge of the darkness.
 I will overcome Satan's lies, I will love my life, and I will be fearless no matter what comes my way.

I am so thankful for Seth and I know that life wouldn't be as special without him! I loved that first year of marriage, so happy and free but, I am starting to think that I love now even more, because holding hands through the hard times is what brings the good in everyday.

xo, Courtney