Ramblings of a PCOS fighter.

 [Thank you Jesus for being the greatest gift ever. I am blessed to enjoy small earthly gifts of friends, family, and material items because I know that my eternal gift is far more than I can ever imagine! I don't know how people go through life without Jesus because I know that during this past (sometimes terrible) year, I would've never made it without him. He is a gift, not forced upon us and so lovingly waits for us to accept the gift. Any bad time will be bearable and good times will be filled with unending joy!]

 

 

It's the HAP-Happiest season of ALL....unless you're infertile!

Okay, fine, that was a bit dramatic but, there were some really difficult moments this year.

Like, sitting next to my friend's child and pretending she was mine just to know what it feels like, crying a little at the American Girl store because I wanted to be the momma that takes her little girl and her doll to the bakery, bawling (almost as much as my 19 month old niece) when I had to leave my parents house because this past year has made me realize how special parents are!

When I say there were difficult moments, I actually mean embarrassing moments. "WHO AM I" moments when I cry because getting PCOS and Infertility books for Christmas made me so happy, or how I convinced myself that I was pregnant and Seth and I would announce it-I even picked out how we would announce it. I cry for no reason-daily. Seriously, my eyes have decided that every emotion deserves a good cry and it doesn't even matter where I am, I will cry. Funny thing is, I still am in too much denial to buy waterproof mascara. So not only am I crying in Walmart because the baby on the Pampers Diaper box is so cute, I also have black running down my face mixed in with a runny nose and without a single Kleenex. This has become my life, I am, without shame, weird.

 

My sweet baby niece Lola Belle seriously has my heart and oh my, I just love her so much! Everything she does is incredible, she is learning so much, talking more, and has the best laugh ever!!

For Christmas, Lola got a baby doll that moves it's mouth and eyes when you feed her and before the doll was out of it's box, Lola was so excited with a big grin, begging to love on her new little doll. This baby is almost as big as Lola but in her mind, she was a mommy and she would carry her doll saying "bebe", giving her a kiss, and saying "shh, shh, shh" to all of us talking as she rocked her baby. At the moment I realized how as little girls, we have something in us that just wants to nurture and love our own little "bebe." As I sat there watching this precious little girl, I prayed over her sweet life as she grows. I think the main reason why this past year has been such a struggle is because something that I have always wanted since a little girl holding my "bebe" is no longer as obtainable as I thought. It's a really hard thing to grasp and I have to remind myself daily that my value and worth is not being able to have a child. My value and worth is knowing who is on my side and realizing that God's plans usually are not my own. I have to learn to be okay.

 

The past few days have been a little rough, no cycle has come and no positive has followed which means more medicine.   

 

On Christmas night, I had just had it and my eyes swelled with tears as I talked to Seth on the way home. Soon, there was no holding back, I couldn't be strong like I wanted because my heart was hurting so badly and when we got home, sitting in the car in the garage, he put his arms around me and prayed. I realize that I don't give Seth or myself many sweet moments like that because I don't like admitting how sad and scared I am but, I realize now, more than ever that it is our journey.

 

I would so love to have incredible words to give or inspiring weight loss photos to share but, for now, all I can do is treasure being an aunt, love Seth more than ever, cherish family and friends, and embrace being a little weird.

 

xo, Courtney

 

“She is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future.”

Proverbs 31:25

Well...

Now that my Dr appointments are fewer, my nausea has calmed down, the newness of sharing my heart isn't as scary, what do I do? It is still just as hard but, it isn't new anymore. I keep thinking to myself things like "Oh, I have been so faithful and thankful, I just know that this will go away any day now!" and "well, since I had a cycle, I guess this is it...I am obviously going to get pregnant now!" I have caught myself looking at baby decorations and maternity clothes because my flesh and heart yearn for that so badly. I so desperately ache for the morning sickness, the delivery pain, the long sleepless nights, and the newness of a growing family. I toss and turn at night dreaming of my baby and cry out to God to just answer my prayer and let this past year's struggle just go away.

 

Listen to me. What I need.  My dreams. My wants. What I pray for. Make it easy for me.

 

WOW! When I read that, I realize how my heart is filled up with so many selfish desires. Anything that Courtney wants, Courtney gets...is that really my attitude? How have I gotten so far away from what I am praying for!? I pray to be a better wife, friend, daughter, sister, employee and someday mother but my eyes have been opened to how far I have fallen from those things, how self serving and distracted I am. I have lost sight of the blessing I have now because I yearn for a new blessing. Even though I pray, worship, and cry out to God, I have realized that I am not asking, I am telling. I tell him the things I want and then I expect to get them and every month that I am not pregnant, I am broken hearted. Every time I take my medicine, I am ungrateful. When I get sick, I am resentful. When I have pain from a cyst, I am filled with self pity. For months, my prayers have been filled with surface level praise and thanks, masking my ugly heart.

 

 

I want my heart to be filled with the fruits of the spirit.

love.joy.peace.patience.kindness.goodness.faithfulness.gentleness.self-control.

 

I want to know God, deeply. I want to yearn for him and not my fleshy desires.

I want to give him all of my fear, pain, worry, control, stress, anxiety, and sadness.

I want to glorify him with every word and thought throughout this journey.

I want to...

Live selfless. Love unconditional. Praise continual.

 

These are the I's that should consume my heart.

 

What do I do now?

I make the most of this journey. I better myself daily. I become a more loving lady.

I do all that I can to glorify God.

 

Will I fall short? every.single.day.

 

I pray that I will be able to take my bad attitudes, confusion, pain, heartache, and anger and turn them into thanksgiving because it means that everyday I am learning and growing more.

During this time of waiting, when I want so badly to call out and say "any time now" I pray that I will use it to become the lady I can be. The wife I can be. The future momma that I will be.

 

God is at work and I will be praise him.

He is so good.

 

xo, courtney

 

God is magnificent; he can never be praised enough.

There are no boundaries to his greatness.

Psalm 145:3

 

God’s there, listening for all who pray,

for all who pray and mean it.

Psalm 145:18

 

Hallelujah!

O my soul, praise God!

All my life long I’ll praise God,

singing songs to my God as long as I live.

Psalm 146:1-2

 

 

 

 

Oh what a year!

I have been on journey for a year now. I didn't know it was a journey at first and I really did not realize that it would impact my life so greatly. Everything I do, say, and think about has changed because my life has changed. I know that so many others suffer far worse and experience life changing things in very different ways but, I cannot speak for anyone and I can only pray that someone is touched by this roller coaster of a year that has happened in the Murphree home.

 

This year has come with so many emotions, more than I thought that I could feel....

 

I have felt pain, I have had fear, I have been broken hearted, I have cried myself to sleep. I have questioned everything. I have been angry. I have pretended that it wasn't happening. I have lost friendships. I have yelled. I have felt alone. I have felt like a burden. I have felt unworthy.

 

When I read that I get so teary eyed. So many emotions that I feel ashamed of admitting to. People don't talk about feeling that way. It is not the norm to share pain and struggles to a world that is great at masking issues at hand. I have always been a pro at smiling and "being okay." So why am I now feeling the courage to show that I am so very flawed?

 

It is because of the other emotions that I have felt during this past year...

 

I have felt joy. I have felt unconditional love. I have felt grace. I have felt restoration. I have gained friendships. I have embraced not "being okay" at times. I have felt peace. I have cried happy tears. I have been thankful. I have been understanding. I have been honest. I have been patient.

 

Every moment that I was broken down, God has picked me up. With every worry, I am given peace. Every heartache, I am given joy. When I have felt without, I am given so much more.

 

I can never say that this has been the worst year ever (which at times, I am tempted) because there has been SO much good! I started to name everything that I am thankful for that has happened this past year but, there is just too much. Someday I know that when I look back,
that is all I will remember about this time-the good.

 

Last week, my Dr called me after she spoke with the specialist in Little Rock and I was told that we are going to ignore my bad blood work. I was and am a bit leary about this thought but they insist that because of how great everything else looks, they believe that something in my bloodstream will not let it test accurately. So, for now we are just continuing on with the PCOS treatments. It is very hard for me to agree with that but, God has put me in incredible hands and I fully trust their judgment and their knowledge about my health.

 

On Saturday, I was supposed to start my cycle. This would be my 4th one this year but, only the 2nd one without being medically induced. My prayer was to start on my own without medicine but, Saturday came and went. It was very discouraging to say the least because I just so very badly want my body to work the way it is meant to work. Sometimes I get upset at myself for ever complaining and taking normal cycles for granted because now, that is all I want. Well, Sunday went by with nothing, Monday went by with nothing and I decided that I would call the Dr on Tuesday if I needed. When I called, they said that they would call me on Wednesday to talk about starting more medication. This saddened my heart so badly because it meant another month. Another month of medicine, another month of waiting, another month of questions and at times I feel as if I just cannot go another month. Last night, I started to feel so much pain so, I got out my heating pad and just laid there. I cried myself to sleep because of the pain and I thought I would have to wake Seth up to go to the ER because the medicine and heating pad just was not enough. I prayed silently to myself with tears strolling down my eyes.

 

There are times when I know that I am not very thankful for all that has gone on but I am learning to be. I am learning that God has hand picked Seth and I (for some reason) to go through this.

Last night, all I kept praying was...

 

"God, if this pain and heartache I feel will glorify you, then I will go through it.

help me be thankful for every moment, even when I don't want to be.

I feel like I am at a breaking point. I am so tired, so very tired.

Please show me that you are with me."

 

Well, God is good y'all. He is just really good. This morning, when I woke, I was still in so much pain, my legs actually feel numb from the pain but, I woke with so much overflowing peace.
God knows the desire of my heart and he answered my prayer.
This morning, almost exactly one year into this journey, I started my cycle...without the medicine!

 I always joke saying that "well, if my body isn't going to work then at least I have good hair!" and this morning when I called my momma crying hundreds of happy tears, she said "Courtney, you've got both. A working body AND good hair!" Who knew such a silly joke could bring so much joy to my heart! When I saw Seth, I just cried and told him the news and he just hugged me. I never thought I would be so happy because of something like this!!! 

 

Right now, I am in so much pain I can hardly stand up and Satan is being a creep telling me to complain and give up, but all I can do is rejoice because I just think about how awesomely incredible God is.

 

In the past year I have become so incredibly passionate about family, friends, PCOS awareness, mental health, and loving Jesus.

 

"Jesus came to live the life we can't and to die the death we should."-Franklin Graham

 

That is something that I will never take for granted again! 

Through pain, fear, joy, and all of life's challenges, I am thankful for this year.
 God still reigns.

 

xo, courtney

 

 We Prayed for this child and the Lord has granted us of what we asked of him.
1 Samuel 1:27
(Praying this over our life and anyone who is struggling with infertility. You are close to my heart)

 

If you have never heard of PCOS or ever been checked for it,
please get more information and/or tested for it.

 

 A few facts about PCOS:

• PCOS is a complex hormonal and reproductive disorder that affects over seven million women in the United States and 1-in-10 women worldwide.
• PCOS is the leading cause of infertility in women.
• Women with PCOS constitute the largest group of women at risk for developing cardiovascular disease and type 2 diabetes.
• PCOS is a precursor for other serious conditions including cancer and obesity.
• Suicide attempts are up to seven times more common in women with PCOS than other women.
• Pre-teens and teens can develop PCOS.
• Earlier diagnosis can give them the opportunity to better manage the emotional, internal, physical effects of PCOS.
• It can also help them prevent the onset of more serious illnesses related to PCOS.
• Despite affecting millions women and the serious health consequences, PCOS is unknown to most people and a staggering 50% of the women living with PCOS are estimated to still be undiagnosed.

 

 

sisterhood or should I say...cysterhood.

This is something I am very familiar with because, like I've posted before, I have an incredible sister. I have a momma that looks like she could be my sister! 

I also have friends that I've known for 15+ years that are like sisters and

friends I have had for a short time that are also like sisters. A sisterhood is something that I think I have taken for granted because, I have always had it. I don't think I have truly realized the power and importance of a sisterhood until this past week though.

 

My sis and a few of her friends were going to a woman's rally at church and invited me to join and of course I quickly agreed months ago. Only God knew how much I would need it on that very day because to me, I never imagined the impact it would have on this journey.

 

A week and a half ago, I received a phone call from my Dr saying that a lab came back very low and that they were going to retest it because it just didn't "make sense" and that they would call as soon as it came back. Well, early last week, they called. It came back just as low again and asked if I could come back in so they could redraw blood to do the test again because it still just doesn't "make sense" for it to come back with those numbers again.

 

This is what they are testing:

 

Anti-mullerian Hormone

 

It is a well known fact that  Antimullerian Hormone levels are elevated in women with PCOS, Policystic Ovary Syndrome.

As you may already know PCOS is a condition ( or a number of conditions)  in which follicles and eggs do not develop normally and remain very small , hence the PCO appearance of the ovaries. . As a consequence, women with PCOS have irregular ovulation or do not ovulate at all. This is associated with absent or irregular menstrual cycles.

http://www.antimullerianhormone.net/amh-and-pcos/

 

The reason why this doesn't "make sense" is because my levels are extremely low.

If the blood work comes back with the same number, my Dr will be contacting an Infertility specialist in Little Rock, AR for more information.

 

To me, none of it makes sense, both ovaries are enlarged with 25+ cysts but, none of the PCO blood work came back bad. I guess that is the point though in a journey, right? It isn't supposed to make sense to us. It doesn't make it easy, it just makes for a better ending I suppose.

 

I decided to get the blood work done last Friday, the day of the woman's event and I was very tempted to call up Ashley and cancel. I just kept feeling like I needed to go though so, I resisted the urge to change the plan and pressed on with the day. The blood work was simple, just one tube this time and they checked my blood pressure which praise God was normal!!

 

When I got to the woman's rally, I was a bit overwhelmed by the large amounts of beautiful woman at a very big church that I had never been to before but, I decided to enjoy it and trust Ashley and her friends, saying how great it is. I soon realized for myself how incredible it was. The theme for the night was Sisterhood: She is one...she is many. There was beautiful music, great speaking, and powerful testimonies and I was feeling very refreshed all the while there was a huge lump in the back of my throat and tears that I was forcing to stay inside. "I can't show Ashley how weak I am!" "I don't want her friends to think I am crazy!" "You're not wearing waterproof mascara...DO NOT CRY!" I kept saying these things over and over again. Until a lady from Tennessee spoke about when you are facing your "ocean" to just raise your hands to God and praise him. Don't hold back! I felt as if she was looking and talking right to me. It's okay to be sad, broken hearted, and scared but, I cannot forget to praise God through it all. One of Ashley's friends (Maggie) who I had just met that evening placed her hand on my back and I could hear her praying, another friend (Katie) put her arm on mine, another one of Ashley's friends (Lori) had an arm on me and another (Becky) had her hand on Ashley and then my sis held my hand so tight as I stood there and just cried. I felt so free because of these beautiful woman that during the  moving words and prayer, I just cried...I cried tears that I have held onto for weeks, months even. When the song started playing, I raised my hands up to God and when I heard these words...

 

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

 

...and I sang. I sang through my tears and I had three beautiful sisters holding onto me.

 

My mind set of wishing that more blood work was bad because then it would make sense quickly faded away and I was thankful for a pretty good report. My fears of this new blood work diminished because I am praying for restoration. My stress of not having enough time for work soon faded because I know that taking care of myself is important. My dislike of this medicine because of the side affects have turned into praise because it will soon make me feel better. All week, Satan kept putting in my mind, "you are less" and in that moment with tears pouring down my face and my army of sisters crying out in praise with me, I heard God saying "you are mine!" There are times when I do feel like I am so overwhelmed with work, worry, friendships, family, cleaning, dogs, and just life that I do feel like I am drowning in this ocean but, my God is worth praising. He is the great healer, comforter, lover, redeemer, and I will praise him, I will rest in his arms when I feel restless.

 

God knew that I needed that evening at James River to truly embrace this pain that I feel. I was surrounded by beauty, friendship, love, family, fear, guilt, shame, forgiveness, and God was in that place. God knew that I needed to let go of everything I have held in and he put Maggie, Katie, and Ashley next to me so I could see him through them that evening.

 

I have truly experienced that power and importance of sisterhood. It is to empower, embrace, support, encourage, and love on sweet girls through the good and the bad. In every circumstance that God allows us to experience, we need sisters in our lives to be constant, holding your hand when all you can do is cry.

 

I am thankful that God chose that evening for me to be broken so that I could soon just breathe. I am thankful for Ashley, my instagram "cysters", my friends from 15+ years ago, my friends whom I don't see or talk to much anymore, and my friends now. I am so thankful for every "sister" I have, if it was for a lifetime, a class period, or a few years...you were a gift to me.

 

xo, courtney

 

Read these words or listen to this beautiful song, lift your hands up to God and just breathe.

 

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

 

 

 

He never said...

August 7th 2012 was our 1 year anniversary and what an incredible first year we had! Of course life always has troubles but, I remember nothing bad about our newlywed lives. We worked completely different schedules but found every moment to see each other, write letters, and spent every Sunday together! We love to travel and had fun weekends in Kansas City, St. Louis, and exploring our home of Branson as well. Life together was just fun, safe, encouraging, and filled with so much love. Oh for the rest of my life until I am old and gray, I pray that I remember that beautiful first year!

 

Seth had planned the most fun one year anniversary day for us and it was all a surprise to me! It started out the day before getting the most beautiful arrangement of flowers, filled with my favorite, Daisy's (the happiest flower!), roses, and lilies. They were lovely shades of pinks, yellows, and white and filled the room with an incredible fragrance! Flowers are probably my favorite thing to give and receive because they are such an amazing creation that should be shared! The fact that my sweet husband remembered how much I loved flowers and on top of that, DAISY'S...that was enough for me! Seth is such a thoughtful man and the flowers was not where he stopped. That evening, we ate at The Keeter Center (at College of the Ozarks) which is where we celebrated 6 months of dating-so romantic! I have never felt more beautiful, not because of what I was wearing but because I sat next to a Godly man that loved me and chose me. How could I ever dream of a more perfect 1 year anniversary than knowing that I was holding hands with the man that I was created for and that I would keep choosing even if this first year was not as pretty of a picture! That was a very romantic night but, Seth is the romantic and I am just...me, so that is why there was a day 2 of this celebration! I woke up that next day (our actually anniversary day) not having a clue what was in store for me. I was so giddy though because I knew that Seth had his cute little half smile, squinty eyed, head bob going on which only happens when he is extremely happy or has a surprise! We put on our I love my husband/I love my wife shirts and off we went! Every plan that Seth had was to recreate something we did on our honeymoon or our St. Louis trip after- which included, zip lining, the zoo, cave exploring, shopping,  a picnic in the exact place we said "I do", and an outdoor projector screen viewing of our wedding video while we ate our year old cake! Our love is romantic, fun, spontaneous, over-the-top, Godly, and magical just like this day was.

 

This is also the day that truly changed everything. In the midst of the fun and happiness, I found myself being very confused throughout it. This is the day we met our "CAVE PROPHET." I cannot tell you exactly what he said because he sent me inside while he talked to Seth but, this is close:

Tour Guide: "Excuse me sir, this may sound strange but, is your wife pregnant?"    

Seth: "Um no sir, she definitely is not.........why?"  

Tour guide: "Well, when I looked at the two of you on the tram, God just spoke to me to tell you that you will be blessed with a baby"     

What My mind translated this to is: "Your wife is pregnant right now."

We hadn't really talked seriously about having children because we hadn't been married long however, we knew we wanted them. Especially after our sweet niece Lola Belle was born and come on, with Seth's eyes and my dimples...our baby will be a cutie! We laughed it off and gave him his nickname and told some friends and family how funny that was but really, in my mind I was just confused and weirded out. The negative came the day after which surprisingly broke my heart, I had not wanted a positive and we definitely hadn't talked about it but it still made me very sad.

Now over a year later has past and dozens of negatives have shown and I have still be so confused about why he would say that. Clearly it wasn't true. 

After my ultrasounds came back confirming that I do have PCO with 25+ cysts on each side, my blood work also came. My blood work showed quite the opposite with everything coming back in normal ranges-even the PCO scan. I asked my Dr what this means and she said "I'm sorry, but I don't know. There is no reason for this to be happening." I am thankful that my blood work shows that I am healthy. There are a few imbalances but, there is no threat of anything else. I almost wish that there was something that came up so wrong that way there would be an answer to the problems. Why after 22 years of life, this randomly happens with no cause.
This past week, I have been so upset with that man who put these thoughts in my head of being a momma when clearly that wasn't the case.

Well, a couple of days ago, a friend came to me saying he had a dream about me. I laughed it off because I was so busy and I thought he was just being silly. He came back to me a day or two later to tell me about his dream, he really did have one. He wanted me to know that he was in no way prophesying but wanted to share. He said that we were in a room with some other people when a nurse walked in and said "Courtney, you're pregnant" and then we all started crying happy tears and his old football teammate was even there happy to hear the news. haha!

We had a good talk about the dream, the "Cave Prophet", and in that moment it hit me "he never said when! " The "cave prophet" never said "I was..." or "You will be in __ months..." he also didn't say "you will carry your own child" what he said was "you will be blessed with a baby" that's it. My friends dream was the most encouraging thing because I feel like God was using him to remind me that those words are true. I will be a momma...in his time. (thank you, friend for sharing with me)

Am I still having a few side affects? yes. Do I still have fear? yes. Am I thankful everyday? no. But, I am grasping everyday the love and power that God has for me. I will have to daily choose to be grateful. Grateful for my excellent blood work. Grateful for the roller coaster year it has been. Grateful that I will be used to glorify him. I am choosing everyday to rejoice even when I fail, I will rejoice that I am alive enough to fail. My friend helped me realize that I am not forgotten. I am loved even when I am sick. I am cherished even when I doubt. I am thankful for that man at the cave-he will forever be apart of my story.  It would be so easy for me to fall into a very dark place and I feel like at times, I am standing on the ledge of the darkness.
 I will overcome Satan's lies, I will love my life, and I will be fearless no matter what comes my way.

I am so thankful for Seth and I know that life wouldn't be as special without him! I loved that first year of marriage, so happy and free but, I am starting to think that I love now even more, because holding hands through the hard times is what brings the good in everyday.

xo, Courtney

 

Sometimes, I'm not okay.

(written on Wednesday)

 The unknown was scary, terribly heartbreaking and scary because so many things could be wrong. My mind (because of Satan) and Web MD told me the absolute worst things ever were happening. The past few months have been the most difficult I have ever experienced and trust me, Satan has attacked me before and he did it good. I know pain, rejected, and sadness. My heart has broken and I have cried a million tears. But, I have never in my life felt like this. Everything was unknown. You may ask..."why didn't you go to the doctor sooner?"
Well, I ask myself the same thing and all I can think of is that

 knowing what's wrong might just be harder than the unknown.

It is.

 

 I had been on a medicine called Provera which is a hormone called Progesterone, it was to kick start a cycle. On the 10th day, before I took my 10th pill, it worked. If you have your cycle every month, especially if it is at the same time, then I don't want to hear it about your cramps.
 If you have never had a medical issue in this area or if you've never had a cycle kick started by medicine then you have never experienced this misery.
 Let me add, this is my 3rd cycle in a year. Only one of those I did all by myself. So, this is terrible.
However, I have never been so happy to have a cycle. I truly am understanding God's perfect design for a woman's body and realize how important it is for it to work. I  cried when my cycle started and then sent a little text to a few people ending with a picture of a rupturing volcano.

 

Well...because the medicine worked, I had a doctors appointment yesterday. I knew that the purpose of the medicine was to start a cycle and then they would do an ultrasound and blood work. On Monday, my doctor at the Woman's Clinic called so we could have a phone appointment since she couldn't attend my appointment on Tuesday. She let me know that after this visit, that insurance would no longer cover anything and that I needed to bring a $300 deposit with me. Tears automatically started to fall as she continued to say that we would need to keep replenishing that deposit after a few visits. Well, I know that we could never afford that so, I asked "let's say that the sole purpose of this is to never have children but instead just to manage what's going on and keep me having cycles and ovulating...what would we do?" She told me that yes, there is an alternative options that insurance will cover because it is not infertility medication but just to keep my body going. I am very upset with the mindset that infertility is not medically necessary and I am sorry if you believe it isn't but, you are wrong...and that is hurtful. I am however, grateful to know that there is an alternative because the most important thing is to get me healthy. All that to be said is that I was a bit emotional going into this appointment. Also, I was told that my ultrasound technician was going to be a man. That news didn't settle with my highly hormonal state of mind either. I was a mess.

 

My sweet pea Seth was once again not able to come with me because of important deadlines at work. I wasn't very happy about that but I understood and my pretty momma was able to come and be with me. That was very nice! On my way to the appointment, I drank 3 bottles of water and another in the waiting room trying to prep for the ultrasound only to soon remember that my bladder needed to be empty. Oops. I actually had to stop in the middle of the ultrasound because we watched it fill back up on the screen. Oh my life is so weird! With much unhappiness about originally meeting this male ultrasound tech, I am so happy to say that he was the bomb! I truly believe that he is an angel especially since he only has 2 weeks left at that office and I will probably never see him again. He was so nice, encouraging, and very modest. A trans vaginal ultrasound isn't the most awesome thing ever so, having such a good person do it was such a relief! His name is David and he was an awesome Christian man who spoke so passionately about Christ and how he is the only way to get through a journey such as mine. He took time to explain EVERYTHING, what he is looking for, what it means, what it will look like and I even had a screen in front of me so that he could explain it all in the moment! Wowza, I have never felt this comfortable and knowledgeable about that was happening. God knew that I needed this experience to lift my spirits and I believe that he kept David at the office just to be a light to me in this journey! His daughter is 28 and has pcos...AND IS 37 WEEKS PREGNANT! He understood my hurt and definitely my mommas! During my ultrasound, it was confirmed that I do have pcos. My ovaries are enlarged and have multiple follicles and right away, he knew. I am not sure why my heart sank as much as it did. I've known it could be that for 7 months now. It isn't anything worse than that. I felt so hopeful yet hopeless at the same time. I think that the knowing made it hard. Knowing that something is wrong made is hard. It's not just stress. It's not just fatigue. There really truly is something. 

My beautiful momma and I spent the afternoon after my appointment together and right away we were about to discuss the appointment and I told her "I can't." So, because she is awesome, we didn't. We just laughed and talked about normal things. We got pedicures and went to a few stores and just lived, enjoying those moments completely. We ended our time together talking about it and the best moment was her just letting me be sad and holding me in her arms. 

Today, I started my new medicine. It was only 73 cents because it isn't actually an infertility drug. That was nice! It's called Metformin and is actually for diabetics but is the best medicine for pcos. You see, there is no cure for this, only managing it and this medicine helps with that.
 I am so happy that I had this option!

However, today was seriously the worst day I've had in this journey. I've been "okay" for months now, dealing with things as happily as I can and truly praising God in every step. But, today was not that day. Today was quite terrible and I spent most of the day wishing for it to end. I am struggling with this cycle, very heavy and long and honestly I'm just not used to it. My heart is broken knowing that I really have pcos. My mind is dark. The Metformin makes me sick. So very sick. Really, at this moment, I'm not thankful at all. I'm just sad. I'm sad that I have to go through this. I don't like being sick. I can't eat anything, and I'm just done. I sit hear asking God "why? Why me? Why can't this just be easy? I already struggle with my weight, insecurities, and depression so...why this?!" I've cried a million tears today for many different reasons and I can't help but feel broken in this moment.  

(Written on Thursday)

When I got home last night, all I wanted to do was put in my fuzzy socks and pants and cozy up under my heaty blanket. Well, I came home to my fuzzy socks scattered across the floor half eaten by my dogs. We've been so busy working so much that they've been acting out but, I couldn't be mad. I just sunk to the hallway floor holding my fuzzy socks crying and both of my sweet pups came and laid next to me. I've come to find that God gives me those comfortingly cute moments just when I need them. When Seth got home he had flowers for me and a few minutes later, Seth's sweet momma (Cynthia) and step dad (Don) brought me new fuzzy socks and a cozy new heaty blanket! I sat there warm and comforted reading articles that my momma sent me through out the day about pcos and metformin and I felt peace for the first time all day. 

Today, I am just as sick, if not worse, and I'm not in the best spirits but, I know that I truly am okay! I know that every so often, I will have days like yesterday where I just ask God "why?!" and he is right there holding me saying "because, it's part of your journey." If I have come to know one thing so deeply, it's that I have the most incredible people taking care of me and praying for me and that God chose such special people to hold me close during this. Days like yesterday is a hard thing to be honest about because I want so badly to keep it together all the time. However, it's healing for me to write it out and someday, I will look back on this and thank God for every moment. In sickness, heartbreak, pain, and doubt. It is molding me into the woman I am meant to be.
I'm not okay now, but I will be! 

xo, courtney  

 

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 

 

Photos from our happily heartbreaking Tuesday.

...I wonder.

I am the hair and makeup stylist at a theatre in Branson and we just had our bittersweet closing of the show we have now done for 2 seasons. Our next show opens on Nov. 2nd so, we started our changeover at the theatre which means the long days getting ready for the new show have begun! My job is a bit odd because last night I was there until after 11pm washing beards. 

96 beards in fact. I have a lot more to go. 

 Having a bit of time alone last night and today left my work area quiet (at times) and I spent those moments deep in thought. My mind became consumed with so many questions and I have to be honest, most of it wasn't good. I felt very attacked and anxious with my wondering mind. 

Was I being deceived or were these thoughts true? 

Seth is the best husband to me and at times I feel guilty that he is going through this. 

I wonder "do I deserve him?" 

Insurance doesn't cover everything because infertility isn't "medically necessary" to treat so I worry about money because everything is so expensive. 

I wonder "can we afford it?" 

The medicine I've been taking for 10 days made me very sick and fatigued. 

I wonder "is it worth it?"

 I can be very introverted and since opening up, there have been a lot of questions and attention. 

I wonder "do they really care?" 

Since sharing about my weight gain, I've struggled with negative thoughts about myself. 

I wonder "can I really ever have self control?" 

Struggling with infertility and PCOS is a constant reminder of a battle I must overcome. 

I wonder "am I brave enough?" 

In the middle of my questions, worry, and doubts, I heard a peaceful whisper saying "...yes." 

 Seth and I were made for each other, to walk hand in hand, 

slow dancing through this journey to our love story ending. 

 If the treatment will help my body be healthy and do what it is supposed to then, 

maybe the insurance will cover and if not, the money will come (who wants a haircut? Haha) 

Today, on my 10th day of my 10 day Provera medication, I started a cycle; my 3rd one since last November...worth the nausea! 

Since I started sharing our maybebaby journey, so many beautiful people have contacted us, sent letters, prayers, and hugs...how could I ever be more blessed!

 I will forever struggle with my weight because food is a special love of mine but, my health, MY FUTURE is worth taking control of! 

I will never be brave on my own but, God has designed me for this journey if I like it or not (mostly not, honestly) and he is giving me the courage to be a fearless overcomer! 

Every doubt and question that my mind works up, a perfect answer comes. 

I will have a doctors appointment sometime next week and Seth has many obligations at work which means he cannot come with me again which creates so much fear in me. I almost wrote a breakup letter to every day next week. I'm scared and that's okay. 

It's perfectly understandable that my stress and anxiety creeps in knowing that I will have ultrasounds, blood work, and be told all sorts of things while I'm all by myself. 

I've found that I like being surrounded by family and friends and I will no longer feel like a burden! 

I wonder 

"what bad news will I get now?" 

"am I ovulating yet?" "will a cyst burst?"  

Every time I go in for an ultrasound I have this fantasy that when they start it, they will say 

"praise God, YOU'RE PREGNANT!" and then there will be happy Dr visits, surprise announcements, and my secret pinterest boards will be public for all to see how cute of a mommy I am. 

When I am finished dreaming, I quickly imagine God saying 

"Oh, Court...you are SO cute but, don't you remember that I am the one with the plan! It's a lot better than yours, you know? 

So keep pinning in secret because I promise, your journey is pretty cool! 
I've got it." 

Then I feel his arms around me, holding me tight. 

I wonder "what amazing things are coming?" 

xo, courtney

When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid.

Psalm 56:3

Auntie ILY.

When going through this journey, I have realized just how blessed I am! The immense love I have for my family and friends can never truly be written because words cannot describe the amazing people in my life! Between my family, Seth's family, and our incredible friends from past and present...I know that I can get through anything. Lately, I haven't been the best kind of friend a friend can have and I openly admit that. I feel as if I have given 60% to everything because I've been so consumed in my own worries that I cannot really focus on anything. It's been needed though, to step back and have time alone to reflect and all the while, people still love me and I can say that my heart is grasping on to true friendships and treasuring family even more! I'm thankful for this season to grow, process, and be loved even when I feel very unlovely. So many people come to my mind when I think about friendships and family; I am thankful!

When our little Murphree is in this world, oh how loved they will be!

This blog is about a real gem, my sister, Ashley.

Oh what a beautiful sister she is! We are 3 years apart and perfectly different from one another and undoubtedly the best of friends! A sister is the most special relationship and at times the hardest! As a little girl I always wanted to be just like Ashley! Even with her circle glasses and silly smiles; she was always the prettiest girl I knew! So talented, too! Oh how I wished to be just like her so, I did what most sisters would do; I wore her clothes. Uh oh! I think looking back on our "fights" they were mostly about me wearing her clothes. It was worth it though, in those moments, I felt just as beautiful as Ashley! When she was a senior and I was a freshman and we shared a locker...man, did I think I was cool; I loved being "The Graham girls!" We did everything together and I wouldn't change a moment. Not even a fuss! Thinking about how quickly time has gone, I get a bit sad because I loved our childhood together! The only reason why I am sad though is because we will never be "little girls" again, we will never play with Barbies for hours, making up dances, and with our American Girl dolls. No, little girls grow up and life keeps moving forward. If we stayed little girls though, then we would never have the beautiful lives we live today! Even in the midst of my pain, I absolutely love my life! Little girls grow into lovely ladies. I will, of course, treasure our childhood but, I also look to the future with great joy and excitement! The years of wishing to be my sis are no longer here because, I love being me but, I still look up to her in everything! She is so smart, talented, beautiful, a great organizer, singer, mother, wife, daughter, and sister! I love watching her with Lola and Jordan, it's the sweetest thing to see. Ashley could easily mask my heartbreak and struggle right now and do the normal "check in" but she has done more for me on this journey that she probably realizes! I know she has always loved me, she has no choice...and I'm awesome! Since April, it has become so real about what a sisters love is! Unconditional. Ashley has sent me letters, "spa" gifts, encouraging pictures, lets me complain, cry, and she happily let me borrow her yellow bow shirt! Wow. God's love is in her and she has held my hand every step! Ashley is a constant voice in my head telling me "you're an overcomer" "you are fearless" "you are loved" "you are worth it!" At times I feel so unworthy of a sister like Ashley but, God chooses who is in our life and I think he gave me the best! Thank you Ash for your never ending love and support in life and now on this journey; you are an incredible person!
When I don't want to think about the road ahead I remember who God blessed me with to hold my hand since we were little and the road doesn't seem so lonely.
You're not just my sister, you're my best friend!

xo, courtney 

You were good to me Thursday.

Today was the day, the dreaded Thursday.

I could go on about the many reasons why I was not a fan of this day but, there is no need to go through those emotions again; Thursday was good to me...God was good to me.

I started the day as a frantic mess, pushing snooze too many times on my alarm, trying to make Wednesday come back to me but, when 7:30am showed itself, I knew my time had come. I am pretty sure I shaved my legs 10 times and reheated my coffee until it tasted bitter, anxiously awaiting for the day to start. I had decided that I wanted to look extra nice today, I felt it would give more confidence no matter the news I would soon find out. However, when my sweet Nanny pulled into my driveway, I knew that we had to go, my makeup was not on and all I had time to do with my hair was a braid complete with a bow. I felt like a mess but of course nanny made me feel like the prettiest girl she's seen so, off we went to face my fears in Springfield. (I did, by the way, do my makeup in the car!) I tried not to let nanny see my fears as we drove away but, knowing Nanny, she knew. We are so much alike in many ways that I think we read each others minds. I like it though because it is such an honor to know that I am like such an amazing lady like her!

When we arrived at the Woman's Clinic, we were happily greeted by such a beautiful building that made my ovaries feel quite fancy because a place that looks this good, obviously knows what they are doing. (haha!) My sweet Seth couldn't get off work to come with me so, shortly after we arrived, my momma was there too! I cannot even begin to explain how much it meant for her to be there with me. A mom and a husband's love are so different, both are so needed and wonderful and I thank God that I have such incredible love from them both! Inside the clinic was just as beautiful, and the receptionist was very kind to me even when it took me pretty much 10 minutes to give her my insurance card and to pay for the appointment! I always love a sweet first impression of someone and she got a gold star from me!

The wait was very short and soon, a beautiful nurse with a great smile called my name and I stood up confidently knowing that God was on my side and that no matter what I were to hear, it would be exactly what's meant for this great journey! I quickly pulled mom with me through the door and off we went. As soon as we went through that door we knew that it would change everything...good or bad but, we still went! Sitting in the room telling the nurse all of my information, explaining the past 6-12 months was VERY tiring. Bringing up so much heartache, unanswered questions, shame, and fear was very difficult but, never once did I feel judged, alone, or "crazy!" She was very understanding and just so kind about every emotion I was feeling as we talked about the information needed. I already felt so taken care of in just a matter of 15 minutes-what a relief!    

Not too long after, our door opened and in came a very lovely, smiling lady who welcomed us very sweetly and I instantly felt so much comfort! We once again went over everything, how I feel, what I've been through, what the goal is...it was a lot! She took everything in and once again, understood. She was full of information and so much knowledge about my needs and was very confident in the help that she could give me. She was not pushy at all just very knowledgeable about what I needed to get my body working! It was such a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders because of all I have been through, I was very fearful of feeling pushed around or misguided with all of the big words and fancy technology that my mind does not understand at all! I never felt that way at all! Thank you Jesus!

Last week, I had blood work done but, I had yet to hear the results and was feeling very uneasy about the unknowns and "what ifs" that the tests could show. She happily offered to share the results with me rather than I waiting another 2 weeks to hear them back in Branson and I happily thought that it was a great idea!

I am VERY excited to say that my blood work came back normal! No high cholesterol, diabetes, low iron, thyroid issues, or any of the other scary unknowns that felt very real to me. I am thanking and praising God for that incredible report! My mom and I cried for a bit with happiness knowing that nothing more was causing the difficulties! This was most definitely another thank you Jesus moment!

The news that I was not too happy to hear was that once again, my blood pressure was high and it was higher than last time. I do believe that it was partly the nerves of being at the Dr but, I still need to watch it because it does run in my family. The main thing to help this is that I have got to CALM DOWN! My anxiety, stress, fatigue, and worry can no longer consume me! I am understanding the importance of needed calm and peace in my life and that will be a big hurdle during this journey.

My biggest question throughout this appointment was "can I have babies?" And I could hardly hold in my joy when the answer was "yes!" The Dr was fully confident that I will be a mother someday! Step A: I have to get my body functioning normal and healthy again. Step B: have little Murphrees!! With that being said, I started medication this evening and I will continue it for 10 days to start a cycle and during that I will go back to the Dr (we're going to be best friends by the end of this journey) and I will have more blood work and ultrasounds to figure out what my body is doing! I am so thankful that she is going to take her time to figure out what is happening and why my body isn't doing it's thing on its own. She is very confident that she will help me but guess what?! God knew that this would be the next step all along! He knew I had to scare myself into thinking all of my "what ifs" that way I could once again truly learn that his plan is far better than my own! I can honestly say that I felt peace the entire appointment.

Even through the fear! 

Seth and I still have a lot of decisions to make and prayers to be said so that we are always doing what God has laid out for us, we never want to stray from that during our maybebaby journey!

I walked into the building with fear and left with such an unexplainable peace. I received close to 75 texts, fb messages, comments, and calls and I could feel so many prayers and hugs throughout the day! God knew that by opening up my heart to others that it would not just touch someone else but, it would heal me! I cannot express the love I have in my somewhat weary heart because of the open arms I have been experiencing! 

I started this blog because I had to release the pain I held onto so tightly. I never thought that anyone would read it or even care so much and I have found God more than I ever have within my soul and in each of you! Your prayers are felt and cherished and you will forever be apart of this love story that is unfolding more each day! 

That is the biggest thank you Jesus moment of them all! 

   

 xo, courtney  


 

Hearing the words "you cannot have children on your own" made me...

 ...EAT! As soon as I left my first appointment in April, I remember going through the Culver's drive through and getting a mint chocolate shake. A large. I drank that milkshake before I even made it back to the theatre (maybe a mile away) and it made me feel so good. It filled a hole in my heart that was just ripped away and it was a feeling that I wanted to keep. So I kept eating. A LOT. Most days, I didn't even want to talk to Seth about how I felt so, I ate. He never knew though and he still isn't convinced I ate a lot but, it is very easy to eat things in the car, at work, and in the other room. Every bite I took made me feel so good, it took away my pain and I could hide behind every pound that crept on! Before long, the pants that I bought in January no longer fit me and soon after that my "fat pants" wouldn't budge. I kept saying "I'm stressed, I"m tired, I have pcos, I don't have time" and so many more excuses that made my guilt go away for not caring for myself. I remember one week I ate Chinese 3 days in a row AND had ice cream everyday that week. Skinny cow chocolate bars don't count if you're eating the whole box at once! I knew I needed to make a change, I am not dumb and I am sure people noticed and possibly judged me for my lack of will power and fast food trash filled car but, for some reason I still couldn't get over my love of all things high carb, high fat, and fried! In 6 months, I went from 143.8lbs to 186.8lbs. I GAINED 43 POUNDS IN 6 MONTHS! When that number was on the scale, I soon realized what my secret love had done to me! I felt betrayed by the one thing that took away my sadness and then it hit me...I haven't prayed, like truly prayed about my fears and heartbreak in 6 months. No wonder I was eating my weight in birthday cake flavored oreos! I was trying to fill this pain on my own when Jesus was holding out his hand the entire time waiting for me so patiently to grab it, I needed him to hold me and to fill the hole, take away the heartbreak, and take away the worries that I had been holding on to for so long!

When I think about the weight I have gained, I think of it this way...each pound is a burden I am carrying. Imagine I put on a jacket for every fear I have and the jacket pockets are so full of things weighing me down but, I keep layering them on. Some of the jackets I am wearing right now are fear of the pain I could continue to have, guilt of not giving Seth children, guilt of spending a lot of time and money on me, feeling unworthy, not feeling beautiful, guilt of being worried and fearful, not giving enough time to relationships...oh I could go on. Do you see what I am saying? Those are all my "jackets" that I am wearing and it is very uncomfortable! When I decided to get it together and realize that I cannot do ANYTHING on my own and to give it all (trying to give it all) to God I realized that I had work to do!

I decided to join a Shakeology program with a sweet Coach, Robyn Hurst. She was very encouraging and believed in me and I have met some other really incredible woman during the challenge group! I drank 1 shake for breakfast (sometimes I would have it at lunch, too), logged my food in myfitnesspal, and was motivated daily by my groupmates, coach, and so many inspiring people on mfp and instagram! I did the Slim in 6 workout dvd and tried to walk/jog 2 miles a day, and am currently doing a squat challenge! The point is, I have made it 30 days! I have shed 7 "jackets" and am starting to feel like me again! Do I have a long way to go? YES! Do I mess up? Everyday. Is it tempting to go back to my old ways? Extremely!  Even though I am not too proud of the way I handled my emotions at first, I can see now that because I stumbled so very badly, I am now more faithful than ever! Through it all, I am thankful for that bump in my journey because it has taught me that I am not in control of ANYTHING but with God, that is when I am an overcomer! I am beating this everyday and I am very excited and nervous to share with y'all my 30 day progress! When I chose to trust God and spend some more quality time with him , I CHOSE health, happiness, and I know that because of that choice, with God, I will have a very happy, healthy story to tell! You have chosen to follow my maybebaby journey and this is a HUGE part of it so, here you go...

Age 22
Height 5'6"

Before:

Weight 186.8
Chest 39
Waist 33.5
Hips 46.5
R. Thigh 27.5
L. Thigh 27.5
R. Arm 14
L. Arm 13.5
Widwaist 39.5

After:

Weight 179
Chest 37.5
Waist 30.5
Hips 43.75
R. Thigh 25.5
L. Thigh 26
R. Arm 13
L. Arm 12.5
Widwaist 37.5

xo, courtney 

Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20



A letter to Thursday.

Dear Thursday, 

You are the day of my Infertility Specialist appointment and my emotions about you are actually quite unexplainable and I cannot even fully understand them because I have yet to go through it all. Yesterday, I received a message and this beautiful woman honestly admitted that her first thought when reading my story was "Oh Lord, please don't let this happen to me!" At first, when I read this, I was very hurt but then I remembered (and was reminded by my dad, mostly) that I wanted honesty and I would have thought the same thing if it were not me writing the story but, reading it. To be real, I still think that every day. "Oh Lord, please don't let this happen to me" but what I need to change my thoughts to, is "Oh Lord, I feel you with me!" When I change my thoughts, all of my guilt will fade and hope will overflow in my thoughts and heart rather than fear and doubt. We received in the mail all of the paperwork for you, Thursday. Questions that remind me, "HEY EVERYBODY, I CAN'T HAVE KIDS!!" Oh, Thursday, why are you doing this to me, why are you taunting me with unknowns and hitting me with fear. I am scared of you, very scared actually. I am so scared to truly start this journey, to find out answers, and to have to be very vulnerable. Thursday, you are so very inconvenient, expensive, and stressful! When I think about you, Thursday, I get very anxious, overwhelmed, and almost bitter about my journey. I know you do not mean to parade around being so far away and coming too quickly, pretending to be a beautiful "one show Thursday" where a lot of my friends will be excited to have more time to enjoy you while I sit here and fear you!  Thursday, You will not defeat me any longer. I will no longer allow myself to be held captive to your beautifully scary truths that will be revealed. I promise that no matter what you have in store for me, I will accept it and conquer it.

Do you not realize WHO is on my side! Do you not remember that I am an OVERCOMER! I am FEARLESS, I am LOVED, I am WORTH it, I am STRONG, and I am NOT ALONE! 

Thursday, it's not me...it's you. I'm sorry but, it's over. 

xo, Courtney

Do not fear bad news; confidently trust the Lord to care for you. Psalm 112:7

a Heating pad, ibuprofen, and sweet words are good for the pain and an anxious heart.

Today has been very...bleh. Since I had my ultrasounds, I haven't been feeling too great but today, I could hardly deal! Imagine having a balloon inside of you, that would be uncomfortable, right? Now imagine that balloon having needles on it, that is how I feel today. I tried to push through it, take medicine, and used a heating pad when I could but, the pressure also really bothers my leg and my job involves a lot of walking which accelerated the pain. With opening up about this journey, that obviously means that people will talk to me about it, which is great and answers my prayers completely however, for a person who has been hiding this for a while, I felt very overwhelmed. With my pain increasing but, knowing that my smile could no longer hide it, I felt very embarrassed, anxious, and as my dad would say..."high stress!" In the moment, I truly did not know how to cope with the emotions and I wanted to quickly write on Facebook or on here "Never mind everyone, nothing is wrong at all! I was just kidding!" Quickly after that thought, I remembered the incredible response I received with my story and all of the amazingly sweet messages and comments spoken...even from people I do not know! That is exactly what God told me would happen and I am so thankful that my mind is aligning with my heart by remembering why this is my journey, for his glory! As I sit here resting, feeling like I could go on for hours about the pain I feel, I cannot get help but feel the pain diminish because of all the beautiful words said to me and that is why I want this to be about YOU and our incredible JESUS! 

54 men and woman have commented on my first writing, several I have never met.

20 men and woman have messaged me, again, several I have never met.

19 men and woman have sent me text messages.

11 men and woman hugged me at work.

4 women have called me.

1 sister sent me a card.

1 God is healing me.

Seriously, look at those numbers! 106 men and woman have reached out to me, prayed for me, and loved on me! Is it because I am a great writer? NO! It's Jesus! I didn't even think anyone would take the time to read the story, let alone write to me about it! Woman have reached out to me with struggles of their own, some asking for ME to pray for them and I tell you, I AM! The difficult moments, the blessings, and the prayer I received today from you amazing people is shaping this journey to be exactly what God is intending it to be, a love story! 

Thank y'all for your beautiful part in this journey; with a day full of tears, pain, and my terribly anxious heart, y'all helped create sadness into the joy that I am now seeing at the end of the day! I continue to pray that something I say will help you see Jesus's light in your dark days and that the Murphree's maybebaby journey will bless you as much as writing these words are blessing me. I am going to say goodbye with a song I heard on the radio today that I feel will be a favorite during this journey and I want you to hear it as well because there are just days when the best thing to say is "Jesus!" 

xo, courtney