Oh what a year!

I have been on journey for a year now. I didn't know it was a journey at first and I really did not realize that it would impact my life so greatly. Everything I do, say, and think about has changed because my life has changed. I know that so many others suffer far worse and experience life changing things in very different ways but, I cannot speak for anyone and I can only pray that someone is touched by this roller coaster of a year that has happened in the Murphree home.

 

This year has come with so many emotions, more than I thought that I could feel....

 

I have felt pain, I have had fear, I have been broken hearted, I have cried myself to sleep. I have questioned everything. I have been angry. I have pretended that it wasn't happening. I have lost friendships. I have yelled. I have felt alone. I have felt like a burden. I have felt unworthy.

 

When I read that I get so teary eyed. So many emotions that I feel ashamed of admitting to. People don't talk about feeling that way. It is not the norm to share pain and struggles to a world that is great at masking issues at hand. I have always been a pro at smiling and "being okay." So why am I now feeling the courage to show that I am so very flawed?

 

It is because of the other emotions that I have felt during this past year...

 

I have felt joy. I have felt unconditional love. I have felt grace. I have felt restoration. I have gained friendships. I have embraced not "being okay" at times. I have felt peace. I have cried happy tears. I have been thankful. I have been understanding. I have been honest. I have been patient.

 

Every moment that I was broken down, God has picked me up. With every worry, I am given peace. Every heartache, I am given joy. When I have felt without, I am given so much more.

 

I can never say that this has been the worst year ever (which at times, I am tempted) because there has been SO much good! I started to name everything that I am thankful for that has happened this past year but, there is just too much. Someday I know that when I look back,
that is all I will remember about this time-the good.

 

Last week, my Dr called me after she spoke with the specialist in Little Rock and I was told that we are going to ignore my bad blood work. I was and am a bit leary about this thought but they insist that because of how great everything else looks, they believe that something in my bloodstream will not let it test accurately. So, for now we are just continuing on with the PCOS treatments. It is very hard for me to agree with that but, God has put me in incredible hands and I fully trust their judgment and their knowledge about my health.

 

On Saturday, I was supposed to start my cycle. This would be my 4th one this year but, only the 2nd one without being medically induced. My prayer was to start on my own without medicine but, Saturday came and went. It was very discouraging to say the least because I just so very badly want my body to work the way it is meant to work. Sometimes I get upset at myself for ever complaining and taking normal cycles for granted because now, that is all I want. Well, Sunday went by with nothing, Monday went by with nothing and I decided that I would call the Dr on Tuesday if I needed. When I called, they said that they would call me on Wednesday to talk about starting more medication. This saddened my heart so badly because it meant another month. Another month of medicine, another month of waiting, another month of questions and at times I feel as if I just cannot go another month. Last night, I started to feel so much pain so, I got out my heating pad and just laid there. I cried myself to sleep because of the pain and I thought I would have to wake Seth up to go to the ER because the medicine and heating pad just was not enough. I prayed silently to myself with tears strolling down my eyes.

 

There are times when I know that I am not very thankful for all that has gone on but I am learning to be. I am learning that God has hand picked Seth and I (for some reason) to go through this.

Last night, all I kept praying was...

 

"God, if this pain and heartache I feel will glorify you, then I will go through it.

help me be thankful for every moment, even when I don't want to be.

I feel like I am at a breaking point. I am so tired, so very tired.

Please show me that you are with me."

 

Well, God is good y'all. He is just really good. This morning, when I woke, I was still in so much pain, my legs actually feel numb from the pain but, I woke with so much overflowing peace.
God knows the desire of my heart and he answered my prayer.
This morning, almost exactly one year into this journey, I started my cycle...without the medicine!

 I always joke saying that "well, if my body isn't going to work then at least I have good hair!" and this morning when I called my momma crying hundreds of happy tears, she said "Courtney, you've got both. A working body AND good hair!" Who knew such a silly joke could bring so much joy to my heart! When I saw Seth, I just cried and told him the news and he just hugged me. I never thought I would be so happy because of something like this!!! 

 

Right now, I am in so much pain I can hardly stand up and Satan is being a creep telling me to complain and give up, but all I can do is rejoice because I just think about how awesomely incredible God is.

 

In the past year I have become so incredibly passionate about family, friends, PCOS awareness, mental health, and loving Jesus.

 

"Jesus came to live the life we can't and to die the death we should."-Franklin Graham

 

That is something that I will never take for granted again! 

Through pain, fear, joy, and all of life's challenges, I am thankful for this year.
 God still reigns.

 

xo, courtney

 

 We Prayed for this child and the Lord has granted us of what we asked of him.
1 Samuel 1:27
(Praying this over our life and anyone who is struggling with infertility. You are close to my heart)

 

If you have never heard of PCOS or ever been checked for it,
please get more information and/or tested for it.

 

 A few facts about PCOS:

• PCOS is a complex hormonal and reproductive disorder that affects over seven million women in the United States and 1-in-10 women worldwide.
• PCOS is the leading cause of infertility in women.
• Women with PCOS constitute the largest group of women at risk for developing cardiovascular disease and type 2 diabetes.
• PCOS is a precursor for other serious conditions including cancer and obesity.
• Suicide attempts are up to seven times more common in women with PCOS than other women.
• Pre-teens and teens can develop PCOS.
• Earlier diagnosis can give them the opportunity to better manage the emotional, internal, physical effects of PCOS.
• It can also help them prevent the onset of more serious illnesses related to PCOS.
• Despite affecting millions women and the serious health consequences, PCOS is unknown to most people and a staggering 50% of the women living with PCOS are estimated to still be undiagnosed.