sisterhood or should I say...cysterhood.

This is something I am very familiar with because, like I've posted before, I have an incredible sister. I have a momma that looks like she could be my sister! 

I also have friends that I've known for 15+ years that are like sisters and

friends I have had for a short time that are also like sisters. A sisterhood is something that I think I have taken for granted because, I have always had it. I don't think I have truly realized the power and importance of a sisterhood until this past week though.

 

My sis and a few of her friends were going to a woman's rally at church and invited me to join and of course I quickly agreed months ago. Only God knew how much I would need it on that very day because to me, I never imagined the impact it would have on this journey.

 

A week and a half ago, I received a phone call from my Dr saying that a lab came back very low and that they were going to retest it because it just didn't "make sense" and that they would call as soon as it came back. Well, early last week, they called. It came back just as low again and asked if I could come back in so they could redraw blood to do the test again because it still just doesn't "make sense" for it to come back with those numbers again.

 

This is what they are testing:

 

Anti-mullerian Hormone

 

It is a well known fact that  Antimullerian Hormone levels are elevated in women with PCOS, Policystic Ovary Syndrome.

As you may already know PCOS is a condition ( or a number of conditions)  in which follicles and eggs do not develop normally and remain very small , hence the PCO appearance of the ovaries. . As a consequence, women with PCOS have irregular ovulation or do not ovulate at all. This is associated with absent or irregular menstrual cycles.

http://www.antimullerianhormone.net/amh-and-pcos/

 

The reason why this doesn't "make sense" is because my levels are extremely low.

If the blood work comes back with the same number, my Dr will be contacting an Infertility specialist in Little Rock, AR for more information.

 

To me, none of it makes sense, both ovaries are enlarged with 25+ cysts but, none of the PCO blood work came back bad. I guess that is the point though in a journey, right? It isn't supposed to make sense to us. It doesn't make it easy, it just makes for a better ending I suppose.

 

I decided to get the blood work done last Friday, the day of the woman's event and I was very tempted to call up Ashley and cancel. I just kept feeling like I needed to go though so, I resisted the urge to change the plan and pressed on with the day. The blood work was simple, just one tube this time and they checked my blood pressure which praise God was normal!!

 

When I got to the woman's rally, I was a bit overwhelmed by the large amounts of beautiful woman at a very big church that I had never been to before but, I decided to enjoy it and trust Ashley and her friends, saying how great it is. I soon realized for myself how incredible it was. The theme for the night was Sisterhood: She is one...she is many. There was beautiful music, great speaking, and powerful testimonies and I was feeling very refreshed all the while there was a huge lump in the back of my throat and tears that I was forcing to stay inside. "I can't show Ashley how weak I am!" "I don't want her friends to think I am crazy!" "You're not wearing waterproof mascara...DO NOT CRY!" I kept saying these things over and over again. Until a lady from Tennessee spoke about when you are facing your "ocean" to just raise your hands to God and praise him. Don't hold back! I felt as if she was looking and talking right to me. It's okay to be sad, broken hearted, and scared but, I cannot forget to praise God through it all. One of Ashley's friends (Maggie) who I had just met that evening placed her hand on my back and I could hear her praying, another friend (Katie) put her arm on mine, another one of Ashley's friends (Lori) had an arm on me and another (Becky) had her hand on Ashley and then my sis held my hand so tight as I stood there and just cried. I felt so free because of these beautiful woman that during the  moving words and prayer, I just cried...I cried tears that I have held onto for weeks, months even. When the song started playing, I raised my hands up to God and when I heard these words...

 

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

 

...and I sang. I sang through my tears and I had three beautiful sisters holding onto me.

 

My mind set of wishing that more blood work was bad because then it would make sense quickly faded away and I was thankful for a pretty good report. My fears of this new blood work diminished because I am praying for restoration. My stress of not having enough time for work soon faded because I know that taking care of myself is important. My dislike of this medicine because of the side affects have turned into praise because it will soon make me feel better. All week, Satan kept putting in my mind, "you are less" and in that moment with tears pouring down my face and my army of sisters crying out in praise with me, I heard God saying "you are mine!" There are times when I do feel like I am so overwhelmed with work, worry, friendships, family, cleaning, dogs, and just life that I do feel like I am drowning in this ocean but, my God is worth praising. He is the great healer, comforter, lover, redeemer, and I will praise him, I will rest in his arms when I feel restless.

 

God knew that I needed that evening at James River to truly embrace this pain that I feel. I was surrounded by beauty, friendship, love, family, fear, guilt, shame, forgiveness, and God was in that place. God knew that I needed to let go of everything I have held in and he put Maggie, Katie, and Ashley next to me so I could see him through them that evening.

 

I have truly experienced that power and importance of sisterhood. It is to empower, embrace, support, encourage, and love on sweet girls through the good and the bad. In every circumstance that God allows us to experience, we need sisters in our lives to be constant, holding your hand when all you can do is cry.

 

I am thankful that God chose that evening for me to be broken so that I could soon just breathe. I am thankful for Ashley, my instagram "cysters", my friends from 15+ years ago, my friends whom I don't see or talk to much anymore, and my friends now. I am so thankful for every "sister" I have, if it was for a lifetime, a class period, or a few years...you were a gift to me.

 

xo, courtney

 

Read these words or listen to this beautiful song, lift your hands up to God and just breathe.

 

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine