Sometimes, I'm not okay.

(written on Wednesday)

 The unknown was scary, terribly heartbreaking and scary because so many things could be wrong. My mind (because of Satan) and Web MD told me the absolute worst things ever were happening. The past few months have been the most difficult I have ever experienced and trust me, Satan has attacked me before and he did it good. I know pain, rejected, and sadness. My heart has broken and I have cried a million tears. But, I have never in my life felt like this. Everything was unknown. You may ask..."why didn't you go to the doctor sooner?"
Well, I ask myself the same thing and all I can think of is that

 knowing what's wrong might just be harder than the unknown.

It is.

 

 I had been on a medicine called Provera which is a hormone called Progesterone, it was to kick start a cycle. On the 10th day, before I took my 10th pill, it worked. If you have your cycle every month, especially if it is at the same time, then I don't want to hear it about your cramps.
 If you have never had a medical issue in this area or if you've never had a cycle kick started by medicine then you have never experienced this misery.
 Let me add, this is my 3rd cycle in a year. Only one of those I did all by myself. So, this is terrible.
However, I have never been so happy to have a cycle. I truly am understanding God's perfect design for a woman's body and realize how important it is for it to work. I  cried when my cycle started and then sent a little text to a few people ending with a picture of a rupturing volcano.

 

Well...because the medicine worked, I had a doctors appointment yesterday. I knew that the purpose of the medicine was to start a cycle and then they would do an ultrasound and blood work. On Monday, my doctor at the Woman's Clinic called so we could have a phone appointment since she couldn't attend my appointment on Tuesday. She let me know that after this visit, that insurance would no longer cover anything and that I needed to bring a $300 deposit with me. Tears automatically started to fall as she continued to say that we would need to keep replenishing that deposit after a few visits. Well, I know that we could never afford that so, I asked "let's say that the sole purpose of this is to never have children but instead just to manage what's going on and keep me having cycles and ovulating...what would we do?" She told me that yes, there is an alternative options that insurance will cover because it is not infertility medication but just to keep my body going. I am very upset with the mindset that infertility is not medically necessary and I am sorry if you believe it isn't but, you are wrong...and that is hurtful. I am however, grateful to know that there is an alternative because the most important thing is to get me healthy. All that to be said is that I was a bit emotional going into this appointment. Also, I was told that my ultrasound technician was going to be a man. That news didn't settle with my highly hormonal state of mind either. I was a mess.

 

My sweet pea Seth was once again not able to come with me because of important deadlines at work. I wasn't very happy about that but I understood and my pretty momma was able to come and be with me. That was very nice! On my way to the appointment, I drank 3 bottles of water and another in the waiting room trying to prep for the ultrasound only to soon remember that my bladder needed to be empty. Oops. I actually had to stop in the middle of the ultrasound because we watched it fill back up on the screen. Oh my life is so weird! With much unhappiness about originally meeting this male ultrasound tech, I am so happy to say that he was the bomb! I truly believe that he is an angel especially since he only has 2 weeks left at that office and I will probably never see him again. He was so nice, encouraging, and very modest. A trans vaginal ultrasound isn't the most awesome thing ever so, having such a good person do it was such a relief! His name is David and he was an awesome Christian man who spoke so passionately about Christ and how he is the only way to get through a journey such as mine. He took time to explain EVERYTHING, what he is looking for, what it means, what it will look like and I even had a screen in front of me so that he could explain it all in the moment! Wowza, I have never felt this comfortable and knowledgeable about that was happening. God knew that I needed this experience to lift my spirits and I believe that he kept David at the office just to be a light to me in this journey! His daughter is 28 and has pcos...AND IS 37 WEEKS PREGNANT! He understood my hurt and definitely my mommas! During my ultrasound, it was confirmed that I do have pcos. My ovaries are enlarged and have multiple follicles and right away, he knew. I am not sure why my heart sank as much as it did. I've known it could be that for 7 months now. It isn't anything worse than that. I felt so hopeful yet hopeless at the same time. I think that the knowing made it hard. Knowing that something is wrong made is hard. It's not just stress. It's not just fatigue. There really truly is something. 

My beautiful momma and I spent the afternoon after my appointment together and right away we were about to discuss the appointment and I told her "I can't." So, because she is awesome, we didn't. We just laughed and talked about normal things. We got pedicures and went to a few stores and just lived, enjoying those moments completely. We ended our time together talking about it and the best moment was her just letting me be sad and holding me in her arms. 

Today, I started my new medicine. It was only 73 cents because it isn't actually an infertility drug. That was nice! It's called Metformin and is actually for diabetics but is the best medicine for pcos. You see, there is no cure for this, only managing it and this medicine helps with that.
 I am so happy that I had this option!

However, today was seriously the worst day I've had in this journey. I've been "okay" for months now, dealing with things as happily as I can and truly praising God in every step. But, today was not that day. Today was quite terrible and I spent most of the day wishing for it to end. I am struggling with this cycle, very heavy and long and honestly I'm just not used to it. My heart is broken knowing that I really have pcos. My mind is dark. The Metformin makes me sick. So very sick. Really, at this moment, I'm not thankful at all. I'm just sad. I'm sad that I have to go through this. I don't like being sick. I can't eat anything, and I'm just done. I sit hear asking God "why? Why me? Why can't this just be easy? I already struggle with my weight, insecurities, and depression so...why this?!" I've cried a million tears today for many different reasons and I can't help but feel broken in this moment.  

(Written on Thursday)

When I got home last night, all I wanted to do was put in my fuzzy socks and pants and cozy up under my heaty blanket. Well, I came home to my fuzzy socks scattered across the floor half eaten by my dogs. We've been so busy working so much that they've been acting out but, I couldn't be mad. I just sunk to the hallway floor holding my fuzzy socks crying and both of my sweet pups came and laid next to me. I've come to find that God gives me those comfortingly cute moments just when I need them. When Seth got home he had flowers for me and a few minutes later, Seth's sweet momma (Cynthia) and step dad (Don) brought me new fuzzy socks and a cozy new heaty blanket! I sat there warm and comforted reading articles that my momma sent me through out the day about pcos and metformin and I felt peace for the first time all day. 

Today, I am just as sick, if not worse, and I'm not in the best spirits but, I know that I truly am okay! I know that every so often, I will have days like yesterday where I just ask God "why?!" and he is right there holding me saying "because, it's part of your journey." If I have come to know one thing so deeply, it's that I have the most incredible people taking care of me and praying for me and that God chose such special people to hold me close during this. Days like yesterday is a hard thing to be honest about because I want so badly to keep it together all the time. However, it's healing for me to write it out and someday, I will look back on this and thank God for every moment. In sickness, heartbreak, pain, and doubt. It is molding me into the woman I am meant to be.
I'm not okay now, but I will be! 

xo, courtney  

 

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 

 

Photos from our happily heartbreaking Tuesday.

...I wonder.

I am the hair and makeup stylist at a theatre in Branson and we just had our bittersweet closing of the show we have now done for 2 seasons. Our next show opens on Nov. 2nd so, we started our changeover at the theatre which means the long days getting ready for the new show have begun! My job is a bit odd because last night I was there until after 11pm washing beards. 

96 beards in fact. I have a lot more to go. 

 Having a bit of time alone last night and today left my work area quiet (at times) and I spent those moments deep in thought. My mind became consumed with so many questions and I have to be honest, most of it wasn't good. I felt very attacked and anxious with my wondering mind. 

Was I being deceived or were these thoughts true? 

Seth is the best husband to me and at times I feel guilty that he is going through this. 

I wonder "do I deserve him?" 

Insurance doesn't cover everything because infertility isn't "medically necessary" to treat so I worry about money because everything is so expensive. 

I wonder "can we afford it?" 

The medicine I've been taking for 10 days made me very sick and fatigued. 

I wonder "is it worth it?"

 I can be very introverted and since opening up, there have been a lot of questions and attention. 

I wonder "do they really care?" 

Since sharing about my weight gain, I've struggled with negative thoughts about myself. 

I wonder "can I really ever have self control?" 

Struggling with infertility and PCOS is a constant reminder of a battle I must overcome. 

I wonder "am I brave enough?" 

In the middle of my questions, worry, and doubts, I heard a peaceful whisper saying "...yes." 

 Seth and I were made for each other, to walk hand in hand, 

slow dancing through this journey to our love story ending. 

 If the treatment will help my body be healthy and do what it is supposed to then, 

maybe the insurance will cover and if not, the money will come (who wants a haircut? Haha) 

Today, on my 10th day of my 10 day Provera medication, I started a cycle; my 3rd one since last November...worth the nausea! 

Since I started sharing our maybebaby journey, so many beautiful people have contacted us, sent letters, prayers, and hugs...how could I ever be more blessed!

 I will forever struggle with my weight because food is a special love of mine but, my health, MY FUTURE is worth taking control of! 

I will never be brave on my own but, God has designed me for this journey if I like it or not (mostly not, honestly) and he is giving me the courage to be a fearless overcomer! 

Every doubt and question that my mind works up, a perfect answer comes. 

I will have a doctors appointment sometime next week and Seth has many obligations at work which means he cannot come with me again which creates so much fear in me. I almost wrote a breakup letter to every day next week. I'm scared and that's okay. 

It's perfectly understandable that my stress and anxiety creeps in knowing that I will have ultrasounds, blood work, and be told all sorts of things while I'm all by myself. 

I've found that I like being surrounded by family and friends and I will no longer feel like a burden! 

I wonder 

"what bad news will I get now?" 

"am I ovulating yet?" "will a cyst burst?"  

Every time I go in for an ultrasound I have this fantasy that when they start it, they will say 

"praise God, YOU'RE PREGNANT!" and then there will be happy Dr visits, surprise announcements, and my secret pinterest boards will be public for all to see how cute of a mommy I am. 

When I am finished dreaming, I quickly imagine God saying 

"Oh, Court...you are SO cute but, don't you remember that I am the one with the plan! It's a lot better than yours, you know? 

So keep pinning in secret because I promise, your journey is pretty cool! 
I've got it." 

Then I feel his arms around me, holding me tight. 

I wonder "what amazing things are coming?" 

xo, courtney

When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid.

Psalm 56:3

Auntie ILY.

When going through this journey, I have realized just how blessed I am! The immense love I have for my family and friends can never truly be written because words cannot describe the amazing people in my life! Between my family, Seth's family, and our incredible friends from past and present...I know that I can get through anything. Lately, I haven't been the best kind of friend a friend can have and I openly admit that. I feel as if I have given 60% to everything because I've been so consumed in my own worries that I cannot really focus on anything. It's been needed though, to step back and have time alone to reflect and all the while, people still love me and I can say that my heart is grasping on to true friendships and treasuring family even more! I'm thankful for this season to grow, process, and be loved even when I feel very unlovely. So many people come to my mind when I think about friendships and family; I am thankful!

When our little Murphree is in this world, oh how loved they will be!

This blog is about a real gem, my sister, Ashley.

Oh what a beautiful sister she is! We are 3 years apart and perfectly different from one another and undoubtedly the best of friends! A sister is the most special relationship and at times the hardest! As a little girl I always wanted to be just like Ashley! Even with her circle glasses and silly smiles; she was always the prettiest girl I knew! So talented, too! Oh how I wished to be just like her so, I did what most sisters would do; I wore her clothes. Uh oh! I think looking back on our "fights" they were mostly about me wearing her clothes. It was worth it though, in those moments, I felt just as beautiful as Ashley! When she was a senior and I was a freshman and we shared a locker...man, did I think I was cool; I loved being "The Graham girls!" We did everything together and I wouldn't change a moment. Not even a fuss! Thinking about how quickly time has gone, I get a bit sad because I loved our childhood together! The only reason why I am sad though is because we will never be "little girls" again, we will never play with Barbies for hours, making up dances, and with our American Girl dolls. No, little girls grow up and life keeps moving forward. If we stayed little girls though, then we would never have the beautiful lives we live today! Even in the midst of my pain, I absolutely love my life! Little girls grow into lovely ladies. I will, of course, treasure our childhood but, I also look to the future with great joy and excitement! The years of wishing to be my sis are no longer here because, I love being me but, I still look up to her in everything! She is so smart, talented, beautiful, a great organizer, singer, mother, wife, daughter, and sister! I love watching her with Lola and Jordan, it's the sweetest thing to see. Ashley could easily mask my heartbreak and struggle right now and do the normal "check in" but she has done more for me on this journey that she probably realizes! I know she has always loved me, she has no choice...and I'm awesome! Since April, it has become so real about what a sisters love is! Unconditional. Ashley has sent me letters, "spa" gifts, encouraging pictures, lets me complain, cry, and she happily let me borrow her yellow bow shirt! Wow. God's love is in her and she has held my hand every step! Ashley is a constant voice in my head telling me "you're an overcomer" "you are fearless" "you are loved" "you are worth it!" At times I feel so unworthy of a sister like Ashley but, God chooses who is in our life and I think he gave me the best! Thank you Ash for your never ending love and support in life and now on this journey; you are an incredible person!
When I don't want to think about the road ahead I remember who God blessed me with to hold my hand since we were little and the road doesn't seem so lonely.
You're not just my sister, you're my best friend!

xo, courtney 

You were good to me Thursday.

Today was the day, the dreaded Thursday.

I could go on about the many reasons why I was not a fan of this day but, there is no need to go through those emotions again; Thursday was good to me...God was good to me.

I started the day as a frantic mess, pushing snooze too many times on my alarm, trying to make Wednesday come back to me but, when 7:30am showed itself, I knew my time had come. I am pretty sure I shaved my legs 10 times and reheated my coffee until it tasted bitter, anxiously awaiting for the day to start. I had decided that I wanted to look extra nice today, I felt it would give more confidence no matter the news I would soon find out. However, when my sweet Nanny pulled into my driveway, I knew that we had to go, my makeup was not on and all I had time to do with my hair was a braid complete with a bow. I felt like a mess but of course nanny made me feel like the prettiest girl she's seen so, off we went to face my fears in Springfield. (I did, by the way, do my makeup in the car!) I tried not to let nanny see my fears as we drove away but, knowing Nanny, she knew. We are so much alike in many ways that I think we read each others minds. I like it though because it is such an honor to know that I am like such an amazing lady like her!

When we arrived at the Woman's Clinic, we were happily greeted by such a beautiful building that made my ovaries feel quite fancy because a place that looks this good, obviously knows what they are doing. (haha!) My sweet Seth couldn't get off work to come with me so, shortly after we arrived, my momma was there too! I cannot even begin to explain how much it meant for her to be there with me. A mom and a husband's love are so different, both are so needed and wonderful and I thank God that I have such incredible love from them both! Inside the clinic was just as beautiful, and the receptionist was very kind to me even when it took me pretty much 10 minutes to give her my insurance card and to pay for the appointment! I always love a sweet first impression of someone and she got a gold star from me!

The wait was very short and soon, a beautiful nurse with a great smile called my name and I stood up confidently knowing that God was on my side and that no matter what I were to hear, it would be exactly what's meant for this great journey! I quickly pulled mom with me through the door and off we went. As soon as we went through that door we knew that it would change everything...good or bad but, we still went! Sitting in the room telling the nurse all of my information, explaining the past 6-12 months was VERY tiring. Bringing up so much heartache, unanswered questions, shame, and fear was very difficult but, never once did I feel judged, alone, or "crazy!" She was very understanding and just so kind about every emotion I was feeling as we talked about the information needed. I already felt so taken care of in just a matter of 15 minutes-what a relief!    

Not too long after, our door opened and in came a very lovely, smiling lady who welcomed us very sweetly and I instantly felt so much comfort! We once again went over everything, how I feel, what I've been through, what the goal is...it was a lot! She took everything in and once again, understood. She was full of information and so much knowledge about my needs and was very confident in the help that she could give me. She was not pushy at all just very knowledgeable about what I needed to get my body working! It was such a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders because of all I have been through, I was very fearful of feeling pushed around or misguided with all of the big words and fancy technology that my mind does not understand at all! I never felt that way at all! Thank you Jesus!

Last week, I had blood work done but, I had yet to hear the results and was feeling very uneasy about the unknowns and "what ifs" that the tests could show. She happily offered to share the results with me rather than I waiting another 2 weeks to hear them back in Branson and I happily thought that it was a great idea!

I am VERY excited to say that my blood work came back normal! No high cholesterol, diabetes, low iron, thyroid issues, or any of the other scary unknowns that felt very real to me. I am thanking and praising God for that incredible report! My mom and I cried for a bit with happiness knowing that nothing more was causing the difficulties! This was most definitely another thank you Jesus moment!

The news that I was not too happy to hear was that once again, my blood pressure was high and it was higher than last time. I do believe that it was partly the nerves of being at the Dr but, I still need to watch it because it does run in my family. The main thing to help this is that I have got to CALM DOWN! My anxiety, stress, fatigue, and worry can no longer consume me! I am understanding the importance of needed calm and peace in my life and that will be a big hurdle during this journey.

My biggest question throughout this appointment was "can I have babies?" And I could hardly hold in my joy when the answer was "yes!" The Dr was fully confident that I will be a mother someday! Step A: I have to get my body functioning normal and healthy again. Step B: have little Murphrees!! With that being said, I started medication this evening and I will continue it for 10 days to start a cycle and during that I will go back to the Dr (we're going to be best friends by the end of this journey) and I will have more blood work and ultrasounds to figure out what my body is doing! I am so thankful that she is going to take her time to figure out what is happening and why my body isn't doing it's thing on its own. She is very confident that she will help me but guess what?! God knew that this would be the next step all along! He knew I had to scare myself into thinking all of my "what ifs" that way I could once again truly learn that his plan is far better than my own! I can honestly say that I felt peace the entire appointment.

Even through the fear! 

Seth and I still have a lot of decisions to make and prayers to be said so that we are always doing what God has laid out for us, we never want to stray from that during our maybebaby journey!

I walked into the building with fear and left with such an unexplainable peace. I received close to 75 texts, fb messages, comments, and calls and I could feel so many prayers and hugs throughout the day! God knew that by opening up my heart to others that it would not just touch someone else but, it would heal me! I cannot express the love I have in my somewhat weary heart because of the open arms I have been experiencing! 

I started this blog because I had to release the pain I held onto so tightly. I never thought that anyone would read it or even care so much and I have found God more than I ever have within my soul and in each of you! Your prayers are felt and cherished and you will forever be apart of this love story that is unfolding more each day! 

That is the biggest thank you Jesus moment of them all! 

   

 xo, courtney  


 

Hearing the words "you cannot have children on your own" made me...

 ...EAT! As soon as I left my first appointment in April, I remember going through the Culver's drive through and getting a mint chocolate shake. A large. I drank that milkshake before I even made it back to the theatre (maybe a mile away) and it made me feel so good. It filled a hole in my heart that was just ripped away and it was a feeling that I wanted to keep. So I kept eating. A LOT. Most days, I didn't even want to talk to Seth about how I felt so, I ate. He never knew though and he still isn't convinced I ate a lot but, it is very easy to eat things in the car, at work, and in the other room. Every bite I took made me feel so good, it took away my pain and I could hide behind every pound that crept on! Before long, the pants that I bought in January no longer fit me and soon after that my "fat pants" wouldn't budge. I kept saying "I'm stressed, I"m tired, I have pcos, I don't have time" and so many more excuses that made my guilt go away for not caring for myself. I remember one week I ate Chinese 3 days in a row AND had ice cream everyday that week. Skinny cow chocolate bars don't count if you're eating the whole box at once! I knew I needed to make a change, I am not dumb and I am sure people noticed and possibly judged me for my lack of will power and fast food trash filled car but, for some reason I still couldn't get over my love of all things high carb, high fat, and fried! In 6 months, I went from 143.8lbs to 186.8lbs. I GAINED 43 POUNDS IN 6 MONTHS! When that number was on the scale, I soon realized what my secret love had done to me! I felt betrayed by the one thing that took away my sadness and then it hit me...I haven't prayed, like truly prayed about my fears and heartbreak in 6 months. No wonder I was eating my weight in birthday cake flavored oreos! I was trying to fill this pain on my own when Jesus was holding out his hand the entire time waiting for me so patiently to grab it, I needed him to hold me and to fill the hole, take away the heartbreak, and take away the worries that I had been holding on to for so long!

When I think about the weight I have gained, I think of it this way...each pound is a burden I am carrying. Imagine I put on a jacket for every fear I have and the jacket pockets are so full of things weighing me down but, I keep layering them on. Some of the jackets I am wearing right now are fear of the pain I could continue to have, guilt of not giving Seth children, guilt of spending a lot of time and money on me, feeling unworthy, not feeling beautiful, guilt of being worried and fearful, not giving enough time to relationships...oh I could go on. Do you see what I am saying? Those are all my "jackets" that I am wearing and it is very uncomfortable! When I decided to get it together and realize that I cannot do ANYTHING on my own and to give it all (trying to give it all) to God I realized that I had work to do!

I decided to join a Shakeology program with a sweet Coach, Robyn Hurst. She was very encouraging and believed in me and I have met some other really incredible woman during the challenge group! I drank 1 shake for breakfast (sometimes I would have it at lunch, too), logged my food in myfitnesspal, and was motivated daily by my groupmates, coach, and so many inspiring people on mfp and instagram! I did the Slim in 6 workout dvd and tried to walk/jog 2 miles a day, and am currently doing a squat challenge! The point is, I have made it 30 days! I have shed 7 "jackets" and am starting to feel like me again! Do I have a long way to go? YES! Do I mess up? Everyday. Is it tempting to go back to my old ways? Extremely!  Even though I am not too proud of the way I handled my emotions at first, I can see now that because I stumbled so very badly, I am now more faithful than ever! Through it all, I am thankful for that bump in my journey because it has taught me that I am not in control of ANYTHING but with God, that is when I am an overcomer! I am beating this everyday and I am very excited and nervous to share with y'all my 30 day progress! When I chose to trust God and spend some more quality time with him , I CHOSE health, happiness, and I know that because of that choice, with God, I will have a very happy, healthy story to tell! You have chosen to follow my maybebaby journey and this is a HUGE part of it so, here you go...

Age 22
Height 5'6"

Before:

Weight 186.8
Chest 39
Waist 33.5
Hips 46.5
R. Thigh 27.5
L. Thigh 27.5
R. Arm 14
L. Arm 13.5
Widwaist 39.5

After:

Weight 179
Chest 37.5
Waist 30.5
Hips 43.75
R. Thigh 25.5
L. Thigh 26
R. Arm 13
L. Arm 12.5
Widwaist 37.5

xo, courtney 

Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20



A letter to Thursday.

Dear Thursday, 

You are the day of my Infertility Specialist appointment and my emotions about you are actually quite unexplainable and I cannot even fully understand them because I have yet to go through it all. Yesterday, I received a message and this beautiful woman honestly admitted that her first thought when reading my story was "Oh Lord, please don't let this happen to me!" At first, when I read this, I was very hurt but then I remembered (and was reminded by my dad, mostly) that I wanted honesty and I would have thought the same thing if it were not me writing the story but, reading it. To be real, I still think that every day. "Oh Lord, please don't let this happen to me" but what I need to change my thoughts to, is "Oh Lord, I feel you with me!" When I change my thoughts, all of my guilt will fade and hope will overflow in my thoughts and heart rather than fear and doubt. We received in the mail all of the paperwork for you, Thursday. Questions that remind me, "HEY EVERYBODY, I CAN'T HAVE KIDS!!" Oh, Thursday, why are you doing this to me, why are you taunting me with unknowns and hitting me with fear. I am scared of you, very scared actually. I am so scared to truly start this journey, to find out answers, and to have to be very vulnerable. Thursday, you are so very inconvenient, expensive, and stressful! When I think about you, Thursday, I get very anxious, overwhelmed, and almost bitter about my journey. I know you do not mean to parade around being so far away and coming too quickly, pretending to be a beautiful "one show Thursday" where a lot of my friends will be excited to have more time to enjoy you while I sit here and fear you!  Thursday, You will not defeat me any longer. I will no longer allow myself to be held captive to your beautifully scary truths that will be revealed. I promise that no matter what you have in store for me, I will accept it and conquer it.

Do you not realize WHO is on my side! Do you not remember that I am an OVERCOMER! I am FEARLESS, I am LOVED, I am WORTH it, I am STRONG, and I am NOT ALONE! 

Thursday, it's not me...it's you. I'm sorry but, it's over. 

xo, Courtney

Do not fear bad news; confidently trust the Lord to care for you. Psalm 112:7

a Heating pad, ibuprofen, and sweet words are good for the pain and an anxious heart.

Today has been very...bleh. Since I had my ultrasounds, I haven't been feeling too great but today, I could hardly deal! Imagine having a balloon inside of you, that would be uncomfortable, right? Now imagine that balloon having needles on it, that is how I feel today. I tried to push through it, take medicine, and used a heating pad when I could but, the pressure also really bothers my leg and my job involves a lot of walking which accelerated the pain. With opening up about this journey, that obviously means that people will talk to me about it, which is great and answers my prayers completely however, for a person who has been hiding this for a while, I felt very overwhelmed. With my pain increasing but, knowing that my smile could no longer hide it, I felt very embarrassed, anxious, and as my dad would say..."high stress!" In the moment, I truly did not know how to cope with the emotions and I wanted to quickly write on Facebook or on here "Never mind everyone, nothing is wrong at all! I was just kidding!" Quickly after that thought, I remembered the incredible response I received with my story and all of the amazingly sweet messages and comments spoken...even from people I do not know! That is exactly what God told me would happen and I am so thankful that my mind is aligning with my heart by remembering why this is my journey, for his glory! As I sit here resting, feeling like I could go on for hours about the pain I feel, I cannot get help but feel the pain diminish because of all the beautiful words said to me and that is why I want this to be about YOU and our incredible JESUS! 

54 men and woman have commented on my first writing, several I have never met.

20 men and woman have messaged me, again, several I have never met.

19 men and woman have sent me text messages.

11 men and woman hugged me at work.

4 women have called me.

1 sister sent me a card.

1 God is healing me.

Seriously, look at those numbers! 106 men and woman have reached out to me, prayed for me, and loved on me! Is it because I am a great writer? NO! It's Jesus! I didn't even think anyone would take the time to read the story, let alone write to me about it! Woman have reached out to me with struggles of their own, some asking for ME to pray for them and I tell you, I AM! The difficult moments, the blessings, and the prayer I received today from you amazing people is shaping this journey to be exactly what God is intending it to be, a love story! 

Thank y'all for your beautiful part in this journey; with a day full of tears, pain, and my terribly anxious heart, y'all helped create sadness into the joy that I am now seeing at the end of the day! I continue to pray that something I say will help you see Jesus's light in your dark days and that the Murphree's maybebaby journey will bless you as much as writing these words are blessing me. I am going to say goodbye with a song I heard on the radio today that I feel will be a favorite during this journey and I want you to hear it as well because there are just days when the best thing to say is "Jesus!" 

xo, courtney

...I don't remember the song ending like that.

Hi, I'm Courtney...I was your typical little girl, I played with barbies, baby dolls, Disney princess movies, and my sister (Ashley) was/is my best friend. We always pretended to be mommies or sometimes she was the mommy and I was the daddy (we have good imaginations and had great dress up clothes to be Mr. and Mrs. Taylor!) My childhood was great and I still am sometimes speechless when I think about the incredible (southern) family that I have! My dad was a youth minister my entire childhood and my mom was right there with him the entire time! They were such incredible examples to so many youth, children, and my sis and I! Of course we had normal family differences and by no means were/are we perfect but, Jesus is the foundation of our love and that conquers everything! With my dad in the ministry we moved a lot and moving isn't an easy thing to do especially when you leave your best friends in the middle of 10th grade, I will never blame my parents, although I know I haven't always acted like that and to be honest, I know I said hurtful things in the moment. I think I will leave that story for another time but, I do have to share with you that I can now see the beauty in a lot of those difficult moments and because of that "tragic" move, I am now stronger, more loving, accepting, and forgiving than I ever was. I also hold on to my family and friends tighter than ever before because I know how quickly things can change and the heartache that the unknown brings. I truly believe that God was shaping me in those moments years ago to prepare me for the things happening now; he was forming me into an overcomer, a fearless overcomer!

Fast forward to August 7th 2011, the best day of my life! I married the ever so handsome, Seth James Murphree! Taking his last name is the best decision I have ever made! Someday I will write about our love story, it's pretty sweet! Seth is an artist, a very talented artist! He is a Godly man and he loves me so much. I can honestly say that I am very confident with who I am in Christ and as Seth's wife; I love it! We have difficult days and different opinions about many things but, I cannot imagine my life without this cutie and his family!! I love loving him!

Fast forward to May 8th 2012, my sweet precious niece Lola Belle was born. Oh my goodness, how have I never been able to experience so much love for such a tiny person before! She is the most beautiful blonde haired, blue eyed, dimpled cheeked, smiling girl I have ever seen and she is now my sweet almost 1.5 year old! My sister (Ashley) and brother in love (Jordan) are such amazing parents and I have loved seeing them go through so many new things together since becoming Lola's mommy and daddy! Ashley now gets to stay home with Lola and 2 of her little friends and boy does it make my heart happy to get pictures and videos everyday of them, I love these girls so much! Jordan is such a hard worker; he is a school councilor and a softball coach. He will do anything to provide for the pretty girls waiting for him at home and is such a great man of God!!  Lola also made my mom and dad 1st time grandparents; they've always been awesome parents but now, they are the bomb grandparents (they remind me of mine)! I just love to see them love Lola, they play, sing, dance, and laugh with her. It's AMAZING!! Now let's talk about Seth and Lola....she stole his heart! He swoons over her, every photo, video, and cute thing she does! I am pretty sure she may be crazy over him too! I love seeing Seth interact with Lola, let's talk about being even more attracted to your husband, ladies...THIS IS IT! Find a cute baby and watch him fall in love and then you even more so! May 8th 2012 changed our families lives in the best way and I love being an aunt....hint hint Ash!

Fast forward to August 8th 2012, our 1st anniversary. So, people say that the 1st year can be the hardest so, we braced ourselves and prayed! Well, I am happy to say that it was fab! Looking back on our first year, it was a blast, learning so much about each other and ourselves and I loved it (even when I didn't want to love it!) So, on our anniversary date day, we went zip lining, to the zoo, to the caves, shopping, out to eat and oh boy was it fun! We wore our "I love my wife" and "I love my husband" t-shirts and had the best day together! Here comes the point...while we were at the caves, our tour guide pulled Seth aside (it was weird because he made me go inside!) and they talked for just a bit. When Seth came in he just grabbed my hand and acted like nothing just happened and we started walking. Well, I am not a timid little wife, I wanted to know what that man said and I did not want to wait until later!

Here is how it went:

Tour Guide: "Excuse me sir, this may sound strange but, is your wife pregnant?"    

Seth: "Um no sir, she definitely is not.........why?"  

Tour guide: "Well, when I looked at the two of you on the tram, God just spoke to me to tell you that you will be blessed with a baby"     

Well, we laughed and called him our "Cave Prophet" and just thought it was the funniest thing. I did however go home and take a pregnancy test-negative. I did not however actually tell anyone how deeply that negative broke my heart because I truly believe that God speaks to us and I wanted that "Cave Prophet" to be right so badly.

Fast forward to November 2012, the month that I stopped taking birth control. For some reason or another, I thought I was pregnant and so I got excited and thought welp, might as well just stop taking it...just in case! (I actually wanted to surprise everyone at Christmas with a baby announcement-I even had it drawn up!) So, the reason why I never started back my birth control is because I never had (as Seth would say) "special time" but, the reason I am not sitting here writing about my cute babies is because I was also not pregnant. Did I go to the dr right away, of course not.....

Fast Forward to April 20th (I think) 2013, I FINALLY made a dr appointment for the next week. Oh and by the way...none of my family knew about any of this, I am a people pleaser and I don't ever like people to worry about me. Not a good idea! The weekend after I made the appointment and a few days before it, I went to visit Ashley and Lola to have some good girl’s time! I woke up on Monday morning in the most horrible pain I have ever encountered on the right side of my lower body. I jog/walked a 5k the Saturday before so I kept telling Ashley "I bet I pulled something" even though I knew it had to be more and I never admitted how badly it hurt and I never let the tears fall from my fear and pain in front of her. My dr appointment was the next day so I just kept telling myself “It’s just a pulled muscle, just walk it out, don't think about it, you're going to the dr tomorrow!" When I got to this new dr I was scared, scared to be honest and admit that I hadn't had a period in almost 6 months, scared to admit about my pain, fatigue, stress, and the feeling of going crazy! I had to get blood work done and she sent me back to work but said to come back later for ultrasounds because something was wrong. I called my mom crying. Crying because I hadn't told her about everything, for putting a constant smile on even when I wanted to run to her and cry. Crying because my fear, the fear of the unknown, failure as a woman, fear of the pain continuing. Remember when I said how great she is, well, even though she was 2 hours away, I never felt closer...I finally felt some relief and I love her more than ever for that moment sitting in my works parking lot crying out to her! When I got to work (I am the hair/makeup stylist at a theatre) I had to have a talk with the actors about who knows what and I remember two of my best friends coming to me and letting me sob on their shoulders they hugged me and then prayed over me and I knew they would be incredible friends in my life because of that moment! Seth brought me flowers to the hospital before my ultrasound and he let me cry and hold his hand, he is such a good man! A few days later, the dr called and told me that I have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome even though they didn't see any cysts, only fluid from one bursting and said that I couldn't have children on my own without help. WOW! That is a very hard thing to hear and I was truly crushed. I remember just texting my mom and Ash because I couldn't talk on the phone, I went home and fell asleep crying. In the moment of things, it is very hard to remember how amazing God is and that he has the most perfect plan, far better than our own and I feel it is okay to be broken hearted during difficult times as long as in my heart, I know who is writing my story for me!

Fast forward to October 1st and 2nd 2013, it's been around 6 months since I was diagnosed and I decided to seek out a new family dr and I had appointments on Monday and Tuesday. In the last 6 months, I have gained 43 pounds (I have lost 5 of them as of today! yay!), had 3 cysts burst,  1 of those involved blood loss which was never confirmed or denied to be a cyst or a miscarriage (that is hard to say!), I have felt broken hearted, confused, overwhelmed, crazy, unworthy, attacked and a lot of other things that Satan has thrown my way, I had 1 period due to medicine and 1 period on my own, I have taken probably 15-20 pregnancy test which all come back negative and thrown away with a small piece of my heart, I was told to start birth control again because I didn't sound like I was really ready to have children, I have had phone calls from the dr un returned, questions unanswered, but I still plastered a smile on my face at most times. Well, on Monday, I had extensive blood work done (which I will find out about soon) and on Tuesday I had to get ultrasounds to check for cysts. During my ultrasound they found that both of my ovaries are covered in cysts which are new since my last ultrasound in April and leaves me teary eyed at the thought of the unexplainable pain when they burst that I will continue to have. I love my new family dr, they are a great Christian people who encouraged me and listened to all of my fears and troubles and I had a 2 hour long appointment because of their great care for me! They still have not diagnosed me because my blood work has not come back entirely yet but, because of what the past year and especially 6 months have been like and the report from my ultrasound, I will be seeing an infertility specialist next Thursday. I am told it will be best to give me the treatments and individual attention that I need. Hearing that really tore me up, a lot of questions have been asked and a lot of tears have been shed in the past 3 days and I feel very weary about the journey ahead of me but, I am not alone. My God is greater than this, he is more powerful than cysts and infertility, he is the utmost healer, and he CHOSE me to not put me through this but, to GO THROUGH IT WITH ME! I am not alone at all; I am surrounded by the most incredible amazing family, beautiful sweet friends, and a husband who will hold my hand no matter where life takes us!

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes.........whatever God allows to come!

xo, Courtney

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  Jeremiah 29:11