Monday, July 28, 2014

...Then comes a baby in a baby carriage.

That word stands out most when I think about the last few weeks.
Wow, that's a plus sign.
Wow, God.
Wow, life is going to change.
Wow, I need bigger clothes already.
Wow, is this real life?
Wow, Wow, WOW! 

Some things have deeply been on my heart...
Despite my ultimate moments of complete ugly cries and doubt, 
God has given me the desires of my heart. 
Was it in my timing? No. Did I like the path to get here? HECK NO. 
But, his words come to me so boldly and I hear him saying "In your doubt, you still sought me." 
Now, I realize that everything I have experienced and the realistically short time that I faced these challenges are not the biggest trials in the world. But, in my world, they were. 
I try very hard to never belittle anyone's trials because I have learned through this all that no matter how big or small they may seem, they are real. 
For 2 years, I watched so many sweet babies bless this world and to be honest, it was really hard. I pray daily to have a heart that rejoices with others, no matter my circumstances but, when I was alone, I very much wondered "why." 

I say all of this because, while I am rejoicing in this sweet miracle, posting Facebook status's comparing baby to a fruit, and embracing every moment of sickness and exhaustion, I am still continually praying for every person I know that is facing these similar challenges. At first, I struggled with a bit of guilt because of my doubt in God's plan, the fact that this journey was so short, and there are so many incredible people that I look up to that are also waiting to be mommas. I had a good talk with God about these doubts and the guilt I felt and he quickly took that burden from me. Just because there is a little apple sized baby growing in me right now, does not mean that this journey is over. There will still be challenges, fears, and insecurities but, through this all I have realized that even when I feel those burdens, God is here. When the rejoicing is unending, God is here. Being a human will always be hard and will always be filled with so many moments of difficulty but, He is always here. 
He gives us moments to rejoice in and moments to mourn. 
I want to look back at this time and know that I honored God throughout the journey and never once took away glory from his miracle because of my fleshy guilt. 


For the first 7.5 weeks, I was not aware that I was cooking a bun. I actually thought that I was going to need to be admitted into an institution because I seriously thought I was going insane. I had absolutely no idea why I was so sleepy ALL THE TIME. I couldn't make it through the day without a nap, or 5. I couldn't think straight. I felt like I would just watch words slip out of my mind and disappear in the middle of conversations. And the worst thing is that my "Hey Court, you should seriously workout more" shorts were getting seriously uncomfortable after meals.
So, it was quite a delight to know that after weeks of this, it was all because I was growing a tiny little baby!

Before I knew about my little baby, I met my sister and Lola in Springfield at the mall to hang out for a bit. When I met them in the parking lot, Lola was wearing a "Big Sister" t-shirt! My heart was so full of joy because being an Auntie is my best thing. At the same time though, it hurt, it is actually bringing tears to my eyes as I write this. My heart hurt because Ashley is my lifelong forever best friend and my dream was always to have children that are close. All I imagined was Lola and now this new baby to be much older before I ever had my own. I have now come to learn that a lot of family and friends were praying for me in that moment, that the joy would overcome any sadness and, praise God, it did. While this was all happening, my little baby was unknowingly growing right with her/her cousin. WOW, God I am forever speechless and grateful for your timing.

I found out I was pregnant on Friday May 30th. It took 6 pregnancy tests for me to believe it and even then, I was a bit skeptical. However, we happily told our families the next morning. The Monday after, I went to The Woman's Clinic (my infertility Dr) to have my blood work done to confirm the pregnancy. Later that day, they called to let me know that I was definitely pregnant, my numbers were very high for that but, my progesterone levels were too low. I knew that if I ever got pregnant, that could be the case, miscarriage was something that I was very well informed of with my PCOS. They called me in for an "emergency" ultrasound to see what was going on with baby. While I was completely terrified that this sweet joy that I already loved more than anything could be taken from me, I had so much peace. There were so many people praying for that appointment, some not even knowing why but still fervently praying. Once again, God answered prayers. The reason why my progesterone levels were so low was because I was 7 weeks and 4 days along. It was perfectly normal for the level to be low being that far along. Baby was healthy and had a strong heartbeat.

Something that is so amazing about all of this is that Ashley and I are 1 week apart. My baby is due January 17th and hers January 26th. I prayed for close cousins and that is definitely what God has given!! Oh how my heart overflows thinking about Lola with her 2 new babies to love on!!

Now there are days when I am brought to tears because in a few short months, I will be holding my baby. The baby I was told would never be. The precious baby that I prayed for day after day. I do not have any words that can truly express how thankful I am for this gift.

I know that there are so many times when people would give me advise about my PCOS and "infertility" and I just honestly, didn't want to hear it. But, if I could say one thing to anyone struggling with anything similar, "don't give up." You are so strong just for waking up each day, you are brave for going to work, you are a fearless overcomer.

"Beautiful baby, you're sweeter than strawberry pie
Just like the morning, your smile brings the sunshine"

Wednesday, April 2, 2014


...was the busiest month I've had in a long time and I completely loved it.
I worked Monday-Saturday and Sundays were filled with so much that I hardly rested.
It was a month of hard work, new friends, challenges, and growth.
For the entire month, I was so busy at work that I completely forgot about myself (which is good and bad.) I was taking care of others so much that I didn't think about what this past year has thrown at me and I won't lie, it was really nice. I didn't blog, read my infertility books, or take my medicine (sorry mom!) It was 4 weeks of no doctors, questions, or guilt.
There are so many new people at work and it was nice to just be "Courtney" and not "oh gosh, she's had a rough infertile, weight gaining, basket case of a year." I liked ugly crying about wigs and not because I have no clue why God has chosen me for this journey.
 I've made the choice to be outspoken about what's going on and to raise awareness about PCOS but, for just a few weeks, it was just fun to take Instagram selfies and listen to music at work rather than medical seminars on woman's health.
 Now that March has come and gone, I find myself so sad. Sad because reality hit me yesterday that I let a month go by without taking care of myself. It was another month where my body didn't do what it's supposed to yet, I was so distracted that I didn't get medication. It just makes me so upset with myself because I've been working so hard and I feel as if I have gone back to the beginning.
and when I have been praying, I have heard nothing.
Tonight, I read a quote that said:
"When you are going through something hard and wonder where God is,
remember the teacher is always quite during a test."
 I love this because even though I don't hear or feel God right now, I know he is there.
I am still Courtney.
I am also "oh gosh, she's had a rough infertile, weight gaining, basket case of a year." and that's okay. I have to work on not letting PCOS overtake my identity anymore.
 It will always be apart of who I am. I just need to find the balance.
I so wish (as usual) that I could end with the most amazing piece of advise or encouragement but all I have is this, even when our hearts and minds are jumbled, sad, questioning, or just stagnant, God is still there with his everlasting, unending beautiful love. We don't have to be or do anything, he is always there.
xo, Courtney Beth

Sunday, February 23, 2014

God is good, y'all.

Since my last posts, I have been thinking about how I have focused so much on the sadness I feel and a not enough on the goodness I have! God is doing some major changes in my heart and at times I think "what am I doing with my life and what are you calling me to do?!" Well, my questions still aren't answered but, while I have been a bit embarrassed of my complete unhappiness, God quickly reminds me that he called me to be honest, vulnerable, and real but, he has also called me to love and enjoy life! And guess what?! I do love my life! That week where all I could do was cry in Seth's arms and call out to God in an anger because my heart hurt so badly and my emotions were all over the place. Well, a couple of days later, I had some pretty bad bleeding that really scared me and had my Dr a bit worried as well. All my mind kept saying was "miscarriage" and I truly felt hopeless! I was broken, a mess, and just tired! I was asking God so many questions and not doing very much listening at all but, he is so good because my body was starting a cycle! My 3rd cycle without medicine creating it in over a year!!! No wonder I was all kinds of crazy that week, I have forgotten what PMS hormones are like and because this has been a rare thing for me lately, I didn't know how to handle it! According to my "Period App" (haha!) and what the Dr suspected, I shouldn't have had a cycle for another 22 days so, of course Satan crept in and made me believe the worst! 
However, as always, God proves to be bigger than all my fears, my body is just resetting and it's amazing! Every discomfort and sadness I felt, I embraced because it reminded me of who my healer is, who my savior is, and who our journey belongs to! 
One of my favorite things since my last melt down is that even with a Facebook news feed of the cutest babies, Targets precious new spring baby clothes, and an ache to be a mother to a precious little jewel, I have not cried any sad tears! I've cried happy tears, joyful, thankful, loving tears. 
The pain in my heart and the sick feeling I would get when I was so overwhelmed with confusion, have not been there. I have been extremely tired which has Satan attacking me but I so quickly realize how incredible life is. God has opened up my heart and eyes to see the beauty that is around me! My sweet loving husband, incredible family, the most amazing friends I could ask for! My life is actually really very happy! My journey is not mine, Seth and I were just chosen to go through this and I pray that every good and bad day glorifies God because his plan is far better than I can dream!
Speaking of dreams, a precious new friend of mine on a similar journey reminded me of how good it is to dream, so, I am writing down my dreams because, I never want to forget them!

I dream of a precious little girl (Eloise Joy) giggling and running around our home with Kaldi and Elmo! Running into her daddy's arms wanting to be thrown into the air knowing that he will catch her! I dream of messy faces and stained tables from creating art together! I dream of nighttime prayers and family devotions with our precious Eloise learning about Jesus! I dream of her dancing and twirling in her room with tutus and crowns, without a worry in her little life! 

I dream of a handsome little boy (Nolan Lee) playing super hero's, "flying" through the house with his cape on. Giving me momma cuddles and kisses before he goes out into the woods with his dad! I dream of muddy shoes, silly stories, and movie making! I dream of cowboys and Indians, batman and robin, bow ties and button ups! I dream of a little boy turning to a man that loves Jesus and treats others with love and respect! 

I dream of sleepless nights, kisses, cuddles, messy faces, little fingers and toes. I dream and pray for these precious little gifts every day and now instead of being sad for the what ifs and if only, I am praising God because someday I will have beautiful Eloise and handsome Nolan in my arms. Who knows how God will unfold this journey but, I believe in a God who hears our prayers and will show his goodness in incredible ways! I am changing my "ifs" to "whens"!

For now, we are praying for God's timing, wisdom and peace. We are saving money to grow our family because sadly, the options that lay before us are very expensive but, God will provide, he always does!  Seth and I are incredibly blessed with great jobs and goals but, unfortunately, our dreams go beyond our means. As we save for our family to grow, we ask you for your prayers. I have started selling MaybeBaby Flower Crowns and the money made will be going into our MaybeBabyMurphree fund for clomid, IUI, IVF, or adoption so, if you feel called to purchase one for you or a friend, know that it helps us in ways I cannot even imagine, but God knows! 

My dream for this is that as our family grows, we will be able to encourage and help other families during their MaybeBaby journeys as well! I have prayed over the future of this dream and I feel that God is calling me to reach out to other woman, couples, and families so that through simple headbands, woman will see joy in their journey, families will grow, and God will be glorified! 

I am thanking Jesus every day for this new mind set and outlook. Satan has no power in my story. Don't let him take over yours either. Choose joy.

xo, Courtney Beth

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

I just needed to be reminded.

After yesterday's pity party, a good cry, a long nap, and a morning of worship music were all that I needed to realize how much I love my life. God is just so good, y'all. I mean I was seriously broken yesterday, I just wanted to start my day all over and try again, with a smile and waterproof mascara.
I am not saying that I will never have a bad day again but what I am saying is that because I was at a point of saying "God, I cannot do this anymore, please help me." He did!
After I had a good cry (embarrassingly at work, in the breakroom) I texted my friend and said:
"Hey, I'm really sorry about my tear fest!!
I really do love Jesus so much and know his plans are
far better than I can ever imagine, no matter the outcome!
My heart is just aching so, the goodness in it all
is a bit hard to see. "
My friend's response was this:
"Seriously, there is no need to apologize! You are amazing!
Just remember, all of this pain, all of this confusion,
everything that you are experiencing right now
is being used to shape and mold you to his image.
I know you know that, but it's always
good to be reminded :)"
I think that is all I needed, was to be reminded that it is okay to be really sad and know how loved I am at the same time. I think that sometimes I get so worried that my physical and mental pain will hide Jesus's love in my heart and I never want to be a stumbling block for anyone. I want to be a light, an encouraging friend, an honest, loving woman. My prayer is that even when I take a moment to write about how badly my heart hurts, it will someday be such a testimony for how good God is. How completely incredible his love and faithfulness is to his children. I pray that in my vulnerability, honesty, and moments of weakness that God will use that for others to know that they are not alone in the fight. We live in a fallen world full of sin, sadness, death, and hatred but, we are not alone. There are always others that may not know what you are going through or feeling but, they will hold your hand and love you through it all!
I think there are days when all we need to hear is "go ahead, just cry. Just let it out and be sad!"
Surround yourselves with people who will let you just have a bad day, without any judgment but, will not let you stay there for long because they love you too much.
Sometimes, you just need to be reminded that it is okay to cry.
I pray that as I go through this journey or walk with my friends and family though their journey's that my sadness, joy, words, actions, mourning, rejoicing, and heart all bring praise you, Lord.
"Let the songs I sing bring joy to you
Let the words I say confess my love
Let the notes I choose be your favorite tune
Father let my heart be after you"
xo, Courtney Beth

Monday, February 10, 2014

Let's be real.

The realness of infertility is this:
It's terrible.
The past couple of weeks have been very difficult and I really haven't dealt with it at all so, I am going to be vulnerable and honest right now because that is what my heart needs.
I ache all over, in many different ways-physical, mental, spiritual and I feel so broken. Broken in a very whole way, if that makes sense. I can get through a day surrounded by people and be just fine, hang out with friends without shedding a tear, and spend time with Seth and family with joy in my heart. I can enjoy life, laugh daily, and pray intentionally and know that God has a beautiful plan but for some reason, I can't get rid of the continually dull and sometimes intense pain in my heart.
I try to be thankful every day because God chose me for this journey and he chose Seth to go through it with me but, the heaviness I feel is overwhelming and being thankful is at times something I no longer know how to be.
Infertility is such a mental battle, something that must be fought every single day but there are many days when I don't have fight in me. I just feel so tired of the unknowns, tired of feeling guilty, tired of  feeling lost, I am just so mentally tired. I long to be a mother, oh my heart, I ache for it. My heart breaks thinking about precious children without love and care and I cry out to God to show me how I can be the one to love them, cherish them, and give them the love that I have always had. I know how special a relationship is with a mother because I have that, my momma is my best friend, role model, mentor, fashion expert, fitness guru, and a completely irreplaceable part of my heart. That is what I want for myself. I feel so selfish at times because there are so many who go through similar journeys but, I can't help but want to throw myself on the ground and yell out "WHY ME, GOD?!?!?!"
 I feel like I fail every single day.
 I eat to fill voids so, I haven't lost the weight.
I think about the future so much that I forgot to enjoy the present.
I know how good God is but, I still feel sad.
I know that being a momma doesn't define me but, it's all I dream of.
I have heard stories about incredible woman who only showed courage and faith during journeys similar to mine. Woman that only had a smile and never once doubted that they would be a mom. They only have good days and never shed a tear to anyone.
I tried so hard to be that woman, a woman who never had a doubt or a tear. A woman that had so much courage that nothing could ever tear her down but then I realized how unreal that is.
God has laid it on my heart to not make light of my journey.
I love Jesus so much but I still get really sad. I trust in his plan but my flesh still doubts.
The realness of infertility is this:
it's terrible but, doable.
"God can't give us more than we can handle" is something that I and many others always say.
What we should really say is this:
"God DOES give us more than we can handle but, he CAN handle it for us, if we let him."
Through my brokenness and pain, I must say, even though it may not seem like it, I have joy.
I know that my heart is shaping to be something great, my pain is making me compassionate
 and my journey is letting me love others far more than I could ever imagine.
God is good all the time.
xo, Courtney Beth
The pain that you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming.
Romans 8:18

Tuesday, January 28, 2014


Life is so weird, ya know!? At such a young age, we are taught that you grow up, go to school, get a job, get married, have babies, and live happily ever after. 
Why don't story books talk about the cool infertile aunt? 
Okay, I get it, it really isn't a dream come true to go through this journey but, if I am completely honest, I feel like I am becoming the woman that God intended me to be because of my journey and I am actually thankful that I was chosen.
wow. I never thought I would say that.
(also, don't get me wrong...I am not overjoyed about my journey but, I am happily accepting God's joy)

It is obvious (and I try to be honest) that I struggle pretty much daily with various things but, guess what!? The things that I have been struggling with the most, God has immediately shown me scripture to calm my heart and show me truth! Isn't he so good, goodness, how can people go through any trial without God's perfect love? Even on the days when I am angry and heartbroken, I know the he is good.

Here are my biggest struggles that have been revealed by powerful scripture:

It is hard to believe that God will use infertility to show me how much he loves and cares for me.

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed."
1 Peter 4: 12-13

I do not want to be defined by PCOS or infertility-I do not want infertility to consume my heart.

"Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise him for the help of his presence."
Psalm 42:5

I do not want my heart to become hurt and bitter-I want to rejoice with others.

"May the God of Hope fill you with all the joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
Romans 15:13

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice."
Ephesians 4:31

Wanting my earthly desires more than God's plan for my life.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
2 Corinthians 4:16-18

My life is still full of:
 medications, good months, bad months, date nights, doubt, doctors, negative pregnancy tests, coffee, questioning, excessive hair growth, raspberry tea, friends, high stress, laughing, ttc cysters, too many instagram photos, family, Seth, Kaldi, Elmo, wigs, cysts, Etsy shopping, girls weekends, prayer, clothes that no longer fit, dancing, crying daily, singing, and living.

I am free and confident in Christ.
I am thankful for all that is in my life, the good, bad, weird, and scary.

"However, as it is written: 'No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him..."
1 Corinthians 2:9-10

"Rejoice aways, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

xo, Courtney Beth

"She is clothed in strength and dignity 
and she laughs without fear of the future"
Proverbs 1:25

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me.....

(This is less of an infertility/PCOS post and more of an "Oh my goodness, God is so good" post!)
Last week, Seth was out of town for business in PA. I wasn't a huge fan of being home alone because I still daily struggle with Satan attacking me with so many terrible thoughts and Seth always has a wise word, comforting scripture, or warm hug to make me feel better. The week felt so long (and cold) but, I made it! I also successfully took care of the dogs every day, making sure they had all they needed for the day and that they had lots of snuggles and play time. Everything was going great until the morning of the day that Seth was supposed to come back...
I let the dogs outside to do their thing, turned around to put on my shoes, and when I looked back, they were gone! Occasionally, they will run off into the woods in our backyard but, we can usually always see and/or hear them running around back there. This time, it was just silent. All I could hear was the occasional gust of wind twirling through the leaves but all around me was snow covered ground and the silence of a bitter cold morning. 
I really wasn't too panicked, they are smart dogs and know where they live so, I began to call for them..."Elmo, Kaldi"...nothing. Not a sound.
"Ellllllmo" (he is the better listener and if I could find him, I was sure to find Kaldi) A minute or so went by..."ELLLLMOOOOOOOOO" and here he came up the hill with the happiest look on his face but, Kaldi was still nowhere to be seen or heard. So, in the cold morning air, I walked down the hill and called for my sweet pup. I didn't use an angry tone, (why would he come to me if I was angry)  I just whistled and happily called out to him. Both of the dogs are hunters/herders so, they were doing what they were naturally created to the deer that were in our backyard. I looked around with my heart starting to ache, fearing my pup could be hurt, lost, and afraid but, a few minutes later, about 6 houses down, I see a little figure amongst graying trees and I happily cheered out "KALDI BOY, I'm over here!!" He then perked up and RAN! It was the sweetest thing because he danced through the snow running to me and I just couldn't help but run to him as well, he jumped into my arms and gave Elmo and myself lots of cold kisses. We all three joyfully went into our warm home and I felt a peace knowing that my "kids" were safe and warm.
This had me thinking about God's love...
At times, I chase after my own wants and I stray so far from him. I can hear him calling out to me but, I continue to search for my own happiness, my own medicine, my joy and I put him aside, knowing I can always come back. It is so easy to feel lost and scared on our own. God's love is so incredible because while we are running from him, he is standing there with his arms open wide saying "I am right here, come back to me, Courtney" He is never angry or panicked, he doesn't want us to get hurt, so, he is there waiting for that moment when we realize how good he is so that we can run into his arms. God's love is unending, forgiving, and open to all that just listen, he is happily calling your name, waiting for you to run to him.
Everyday, my sweet pups remind me of God's humor, grace, and love and I know it is not a new concept of how much God loves me but, at the times when I need it most, it is so easy to be found! Life is still just a little weird right now, crying randomly, seeking God's plan, and at times tremendous pain. All I know is that my heart is a different heart than it was a year ago. I am learning so much about God, marriage, family, friends, myself and at times, it is very difficult but in the same moment, I am so thankful for this chapter of challenges, fears, worries, pain, fatigue, doubt, and pretty much every other not fun thing you can imagine because, I am able to cherish, appreciate, and love all the good things I have been given even more.
xo, Courtney Beth
"Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing remains
One thing remains

Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me

On and one and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never ever have to be afraid
One thing remains

In death and in life I'm confident and covered by the power of your great love
My debt is paid there's nothing that can separate my heart from your great love"