God is good, y'all.

Since my last posts, I have been thinking about how I have focused so much on the sadness I feel and a not enough on the goodness I have! God is doing some major changes in my heart and at times I think "what am I doing with my life and what are you calling me to do?!" Well, my questions still aren't answered but, while I have been a bit embarrassed of my complete unhappiness, God quickly reminds me that he called me to be honest, vulnerable, and real but, he has also called me to love and enjoy life! And guess what?! I do love my life! That week where all I could do was cry in Seth's arms and call out to God in an anger because my heart hurt so badly and my emotions were all over the place. Well, a couple of days later, I had some pretty bad bleeding that really scared me and had my Dr a bit worried as well. All my mind kept saying was "miscarriage" and I truly felt hopeless! I was broken, a mess, and just tired! I was asking God so many questions and not doing very much listening at all but, he is so good because my body was starting a cycle! My 3rd cycle without medicine creating it in over a year!!! No wonder I was all kinds of crazy that week, I have forgotten what PMS hormones are like and because this has been a rare thing for me lately, I didn't know how to handle it! According to my "Period App" (haha!) and what the Dr suspected, I shouldn't have had a cycle for another 22 days so, of course Satan crept in and made me believe the worst! 

However, as always, God proves to be bigger than all my fears, my body is just resetting and it's amazing! Every discomfort and sadness I felt, I embraced because it reminded me of who my healer is, who my savior is, and who our journey belongs to! 

One of my favorite things since my last melt down is that even with a Facebook news feed of the cutest babies, Targets precious new spring baby clothes, and an ache to be a mother to a precious little jewel, I have not cried any sad tears! I've cried happy tears, joyful, thankful, loving tears. 

The pain in my heart and the sick feeling I would get when I was so overwhelmed with confusion, have not been there. I have been extremely tired which has Satan attacking me but I so quickly realize how incredible life is. God has opened up my heart and eyes to see the beauty that is around me! My sweet loving husband, incredible family, the most amazing friends I could ask for! My life is actually really very happy! My journey is not mine, Seth and I were just chosen to go through this and I pray that every good and bad day glorifies God because his plan is far better than I can dream!

Speaking of dreams, a precious new friend of mine on a similar journey reminded me of how good it is to dream, so, I am writing down my dreams because, I never want to forget them!

I dream of a precious little girl (Eloise Joy) giggling and running around our home with Kaldi and Elmo! Running into her daddy's arms wanting to be thrown into the air knowing that he will catch her! I dream of messy faces and stained tables from creating art together! I dream of nighttime prayers and family devotions with our precious Eloise learning about Jesus! I dream of her dancing and twirling in her room with tutus and crowns, without a worry in her little life! 

I dream of a handsome little boy (Nolan Lee) playing super hero's, "flying" through the house with his cape on. Giving me momma cuddles and kisses before he goes out into the woods with his dad! I dream of muddy shoes, silly stories, and movie making! I dream of cowboys and Indians, batman and robin, bow ties and button ups! I dream of a little boy turning to a man that loves Jesus and treats others with love and respect! 

I dream of sleepless nights, kisses, cuddles, messy faces, little fingers and toes. I dream and pray for these precious little gifts every day and now instead of being sad for the what ifs and if only, I am praising God because someday I will have beautiful Eloise and handsome Nolan in my arms. Who knows how God will unfold this journey but, I believe in a God who hears our prayers and will show his goodness in incredible ways! I am changing my "ifs" to "whens"!

For now, we are praying for God's timing, wisdom and peace. We are saving money to grow our family because sadly, the options that lay before us are very expensive but, God will provide, he always does!  Seth and I are incredibly blessed with great jobs and goals but, unfortunately, our dreams go beyond our means. As we save for our family to grow, we ask you for your prayers. I have started selling MaybeBaby Flower Crowns and the money made will be going into our MaybeBabyMurphree fund for clomid, IUI, IVF, or adoption so, if you feel called to purchase one for you or a friend, know that it helps us in ways I cannot even imagine, but God knows! 

My dream for this is that as our family grows, we will be able to encourage and help other families during their MaybeBaby journeys as well! I have prayed over the future of this dream and I feel that God is calling me to reach out to other woman, couples, and families so that through simple headbands, woman will see joy in their journey, families will grow, and God will be glorified! 

I am thanking Jesus every day for this new mind set and outlook. Satan has no power in my story. Don't let him take over yours either. Choose joy.

http://www.etsy.com/shop/MaybeBabyMurphree

xo, Courtney Beth