Let's be real.

The realness of infertility is this:

It's terrible.

 

The past couple of weeks have been very difficult and I really haven't dealt with it at all so, I am going to be vulnerable and honest right now because that is what my heart needs.

 

I ache all over, in many different ways-physical, mental, spiritual and I feel so broken. Broken in a very whole way, if that makes sense. I can get through a day surrounded by people and be just fine, hang out with friends without shedding a tear, and spend time with Seth and family with joy in my heart. I can enjoy life, laugh daily, and pray intentionally and know that God has a beautiful plan but for some reason, I can't get rid of the continually dull and sometimes intense pain in my heart.

I try to be thankful every day because God chose me for this journey and he chose Seth to go through it with me but, the heaviness I feel is overwhelming and being thankful is at times something I no longer know how to be.

 

Infertility is such a mental battle, something that must be fought every single day but there are many days when I don't have fight in me. I just feel so tired of the unknowns, tired of feeling guilty, tired of  feeling lost, I am just so mentally tired. I long to be a mother, oh my heart, I ache for it. My heart breaks thinking about precious children without love and care and I cry out to God to show me how I can be the one to love them, cherish them, and give them the love that I have always had. I know how special a relationship is with a mother because I have that, my momma is my best friend, role model, mentor, fashion expert, fitness guru, and a completely irreplaceable part of my heart. That is what I want for myself. I feel so selfish at times because there are so many who go through similar journeys but, I can't help but want to throw myself on the ground and yell out "WHY ME, GOD?!?!?!"

 

 I feel like I fail every single day.

 I eat to fill voids so, I haven't lost the weight.

I think about the future so much that I forgot to enjoy the present.

I know how good God is but, I still feel sad.

I know that being a momma doesn't define me but, it's all I dream of.

 

I have heard stories about incredible woman who only showed courage and faith during journeys similar to mine. Woman that only had a smile and never once doubted that they would be a mom. They only have good days and never shed a tear to anyone.

 

I tried so hard to be that woman, a woman who never had a doubt or a tear. A woman that had so much courage that nothing could ever tear her down but then I realized how unreal that is.

God has laid it on my heart to not make light of my journey.

I love Jesus so much but I still get really sad. I trust in his plan but my flesh still doubts.

 

The realness of infertility is this:

it's terrible but, doable.

 

"God can't give us more than we can handle" is something that I and many others always say.

What we should really say is this:

"God DOES give us more than we can handle but, he CAN handle it for us, if we let him."

 

Through my brokenness and pain, I must say, even though it may not seem like it, I have joy.

I know that my heart is shaping to be something great, my pain is making me compassionate

 and my journey is letting me love others far more than I could ever imagine.

God is good all the time.

 

 

 

xo, Courtney Beth

 

 

The pain that you've been feeling,

can't compare to the joy that's coming.

Romans 8:18