WHERE'S MY BABY CARRIAGE!!!

Life is so weird, ya know!? At such a young age, we are taught that you grow up, go to school, get a job, get married, have babies, and live happily ever after. 

Why don't story books talk about the cool infertile aunt? 

Okay, I get it, it really isn't a dream come true to go through this journey but, if I am completely honest, I feel like I am becoming the woman that God intended me to be because of my journey and I am actually thankful that I was chosen.

wow. I never thought I would say that.

(also, don't get me wrong...I am not overjoyed about my journey but, I am happily accepting God's joy)

It is obvious (and I try to be honest) that I struggle pretty much daily with various things but, guess what!? The things that I have been struggling with the most, God has immediately shown me scripture to calm my heart and show me truth! Isn't he so good, goodness, how can people go through any trial without God's perfect love? Even on the days when I am angry and heartbroken, I know the he is good.

Here are my biggest struggles that have been revealed by powerful scripture:

It is hard to believe that God will use infertility to show me how much he loves and cares for me.

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed."

1 Peter 4: 12-13

I do not want to be defined by PCOS or infertility-I do not want infertility to consume my heart.

"Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise him for the help of his presence."

Psalm 42:5

I do not want my heart to become hurt and bitter-I want to rejoice with others.

"May the God of Hope fill you with all the joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

Romans 15:13

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice."

Ephesians 4:31

Wanting my earthly desires more than God's plan for my life.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

My life is still full of:

 medications, good months, bad months, date nights, doubt, doctors, negative pregnancy tests, coffee, questioning, excessive hair growth, raspberry tea, friends, high stress, laughing, ttc cysters, too many instagram photos, family, Seth, Kaldi, Elmo, wigs, cysts, Etsy shopping, girls weekends, prayer, clothes that no longer fit, dancing, crying daily, singing, and living.

I am free and confident in Christ.

I am thankful for all that is in my life, the good, bad, weird, and scary.

"However, as it is written: 'No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him..."

1 Corinthians 2:9-10

"Rejoice aways, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

xo, Courtney Beth

"She is clothed in strength and dignity 

and she laughs without fear of the future"

Proverbs 1:25

Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me.....

(This is less of an infertility/PCOS post and more of an "Oh my goodness, God is so good" post!)

 

Last week, Seth was out of town for business in PA. I wasn't a huge fan of being home alone because I still daily struggle with Satan attacking me with so many terrible thoughts and Seth always has a wise word, comforting scripture, or warm hug to make me feel better. The week felt so long (and cold) but, I made it! I also successfully took care of the dogs every day, making sure they had all they needed for the day and that they had lots of snuggles and play time. Everything was going great until the morning of the day that Seth was supposed to come back...

 

I let the dogs outside to do their thing, turned around to put on my shoes, and when I looked back, they were gone! Occasionally, they will run off into the woods in our backyard but, we can usually always see and/or hear them running around back there. This time, it was just silent. All I could hear was the occasional gust of wind twirling through the leaves but all around me was snow covered ground and the silence of a bitter cold morning. 

I really wasn't too panicked, they are smart dogs and know where they live so, I began to call for them..."Elmo, Kaldi"...nothing. Not a sound.

"Ellllllmo" (he is the better listener and if I could find him, I was sure to find Kaldi) A minute or so went by..."ELLLLMOOOOOOOOO" and here he came up the hill with the happiest look on his face but, Kaldi was still nowhere to be seen or heard. So, in the cold morning air, I walked down the hill and called for my sweet pup. I didn't use an angry tone, (why would he come to me if I was angry)  I just whistled and happily called out to him. Both of the dogs are hunters/herders so, they were doing what they were naturally created to do...chase the deer that were in our backyard. I looked around with my heart starting to ache, fearing my pup could be hurt, lost, and afraid but, a few minutes later, about 6 houses down, I see a little figure amongst graying trees and I happily cheered out "KALDI BOY, I'm over here!!" He then perked up and RAN! It was the sweetest thing because he danced through the snow running to me and I just couldn't help but run to him as well, he jumped into my arms and gave Elmo and myself lots of cold kisses. We all three joyfully went into our warm home and I felt a peace knowing that my "kids" were safe and warm.

 

This had me thinking about God's love...

At times, I chase after my own wants and I stray so far from him. I can hear him calling out to me but, I continue to search for my own happiness, my own medicine, my joy and I put him aside, knowing I can always come back. It is so easy to feel lost and scared on our own. God's love is so incredible because while we are running from him, he is standing there with his arms open wide saying "I am right here, come back to me, Courtney" He is never angry or panicked, he doesn't want us to get hurt, so, he is there waiting for that moment when we realize how good he is so that we can run into his arms. God's love is unending, forgiving, and open to all that just listen, he is happily calling your name, waiting for you to run to him.

 

Everyday, my sweet pups remind me of God's humor, grace, and love and I know it is not a new concept of how much God loves me but, at the times when I need it most, it is so easy to be found! Life is still just a little weird right now, crying randomly, seeking God's plan, and at times tremendous pain. All I know is that my heart is a different heart than it was a year ago. I am learning so much about God, marriage, family, friends, myself and at times, it is very difficult but in the same moment, I am so thankful for this chapter of challenges, fears, worries, pain, fatigue, doubt, and pretty much every other not fun thing you can imagine because, I am able to cherish, appreciate, and love all the good things I have been given even more.

 

 

xo, Courtney Beth

 

 

 

"Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing remains
One thing remains

Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me

On and one and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never ever have to be afraid
One thing remains

In death and in life I'm confident and covered by the power of your great love
My debt is paid there's nothing that can separate my heart from your great love"

 

 

 

Project: I hate PCOS.

I really do.

At this point I am kind of like "okay, God...thanks for the lesson but, I'm good, let's go back to normal again." I think I have had a serious case of denial thinking that if I pray and open up about what has been going on in my life that it would just go away. I trusted so much in God's "amazing" plan for my life that I forgot to realize that maybe his amazing plan really isn't what I dream it to be. Maybe it is going to be really hard for years, maybe I will never deliver my own child, maybe I will cry everyday for the rest of my life. Maybe, just maybe the amazing plan for my life is a long sad road to finding God's peace throughout this hard road of infertility.  

 

I honestly don't think I ever wanted to come to terms with the fact that I probably will not get my way, the easy way. As a youth minister's daughter, growing up in church it is hard for me to admit that I'm just tired of this journey I have been given and would happily hand in my faithful Christian card and let everything happily happen the way I want it to. But, then again, I've never been taught that life happens that way...it would just be nice.

 

 I have drowned my tears with cookie dough, hidden my sadness with pizza, replaced my vitamins with chocolate, and shopped away my fears. Exercise-what is that? Sleep-who needs it? Quiet time, devotional, hobbies, and stress free living are all a thing of the past.

 

 

So, here is the deal...things are going to change around here.

I do trust that God is taking care of me and really does have that perfect plan with this journey but, how can I expect him to do everything while I just sit around. I have to get my body, mind, and heart prepared for whatever my future holds. My doctor told me that I needed to ideally lose 40 pounds, lower my blood pressure, get more sleep, and take all of my medicine-daily. I don't want to call this my new years resolution because, by about January 5th, I have already gotten off track. This is...

 

 

 

Wow, that seems like a lot but, I have to keep telling myself that it is really quite basic. I just have to love me enough, trust God enough, and prepare for whatever the future may hold. If I were to get pregnant now, I am most definitely not in the best shape or health for it. If I were to go another year without any progress, mentally, I can't handle it. So, I raise up a glass of water and toast to, not just a year but a lifetime of healthier choices, physically, mentally, spiritually, financially, and emotionally. I don't want infertility to overtake who I am but rather be a beautifully sad part of me.

 

I cannot promise that I won't break down and cry occasionally (or everyday), I will probably keep on pinning to my secret baby board on Pinterest, and I'll most likely talk about ovaries and my cycle more open than people would like. It is going to take time but, I am committing that I will make these changes to reduce and/or eliminate PCOS pain, depression, fear, frivolous spending (I like to buy gifts for sweet friends and family), and insecurities.

 

 

xo, Courtney Beth

 

 

 

For added awesomeness, here are some photos, recipes, and a few of my health changes:

 

 

 

My insanely handsome Seth and I at Christmas. Let's just be real, we would make cute babies!

Uhm wow, my new bottle of Metformin scared me just a bit!

I am thankful the bottle is larger and not the actual pill size!

 

 

Roast Red Pepper Chickpea Spread (basically Hummus):

 

6oz. jar of Roasted red pepper in olive oil

2 cans of Chickpeas

3 tablespoons of lemon juice

2 teaspoons of pepper

2 teaspoons of salt

1/4 cup of olive oil

 

Put red pepper, chickpeas, lemon juice, pepper, and salt in a food processor and blend until creamy and then pour in olive oil. Blend until desired creamy perfection and enjoy with veggies or crackers!



 

 

 

Sun dried Tomato, Ham, and Spinach Egg Muffins:

 

12 eggs (whole or just egg white)

1 cup of Sun dried Tomatoes

1 cup of Diced Ham

1 cup of Spinach

3 Tablespoons Pepper

3 Tablespoons Salt

 

Set your oven to 350'.

Mix your eggs into a large bowl or large measuring cup with salt and pepper until blended nicely.

Spray your muffin tin with olive oil (or any desired cooking spray)

Pour eggs into muffin tin about halfway up (if you overflow, you will be messy, like me!)

Then add your sun dried tomatoes, ham, and spinach to each muffin.

Baked muffins for 15 min.

 **additional time may be needed

 

Put in containers or bags to enjoy all week long for a quick, easy, and healthy breakfast!!

 

Here is a look at my lunch this week! 

 

 

Started the new year with sore legs and calories burned! Now, I must do this daily!!

 

 

 Had healthy options at a get together! Thankful for like-minded friends!!