Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me.....

(This is less of an infertility/PCOS post and more of an "Oh my goodness, God is so good" post!)

 

Last week, Seth was out of town for business in PA. I wasn't a huge fan of being home alone because I still daily struggle with Satan attacking me with so many terrible thoughts and Seth always has a wise word, comforting scripture, or warm hug to make me feel better. The week felt so long (and cold) but, I made it! I also successfully took care of the dogs every day, making sure they had all they needed for the day and that they had lots of snuggles and play time. Everything was going great until the morning of the day that Seth was supposed to come back...

 

I let the dogs outside to do their thing, turned around to put on my shoes, and when I looked back, they were gone! Occasionally, they will run off into the woods in our backyard but, we can usually always see and/or hear them running around back there. This time, it was just silent. All I could hear was the occasional gust of wind twirling through the leaves but all around me was snow covered ground and the silence of a bitter cold morning. 

I really wasn't too panicked, they are smart dogs and know where they live so, I began to call for them..."Elmo, Kaldi"...nothing. Not a sound.

"Ellllllmo" (he is the better listener and if I could find him, I was sure to find Kaldi) A minute or so went by..."ELLLLMOOOOOOOOO" and here he came up the hill with the happiest look on his face but, Kaldi was still nowhere to be seen or heard. So, in the cold morning air, I walked down the hill and called for my sweet pup. I didn't use an angry tone, (why would he come to me if I was angry)  I just whistled and happily called out to him. Both of the dogs are hunters/herders so, they were doing what they were naturally created to do...chase the deer that were in our backyard. I looked around with my heart starting to ache, fearing my pup could be hurt, lost, and afraid but, a few minutes later, about 6 houses down, I see a little figure amongst graying trees and I happily cheered out "KALDI BOY, I'm over here!!" He then perked up and RAN! It was the sweetest thing because he danced through the snow running to me and I just couldn't help but run to him as well, he jumped into my arms and gave Elmo and myself lots of cold kisses. We all three joyfully went into our warm home and I felt a peace knowing that my "kids" were safe and warm.

 

This had me thinking about God's love...

At times, I chase after my own wants and I stray so far from him. I can hear him calling out to me but, I continue to search for my own happiness, my own medicine, my joy and I put him aside, knowing I can always come back. It is so easy to feel lost and scared on our own. God's love is so incredible because while we are running from him, he is standing there with his arms open wide saying "I am right here, come back to me, Courtney" He is never angry or panicked, he doesn't want us to get hurt, so, he is there waiting for that moment when we realize how good he is so that we can run into his arms. God's love is unending, forgiving, and open to all that just listen, he is happily calling your name, waiting for you to run to him.

 

Everyday, my sweet pups remind me of God's humor, grace, and love and I know it is not a new concept of how much God loves me but, at the times when I need it most, it is so easy to be found! Life is still just a little weird right now, crying randomly, seeking God's plan, and at times tremendous pain. All I know is that my heart is a different heart than it was a year ago. I am learning so much about God, marriage, family, friends, myself and at times, it is very difficult but in the same moment, I am so thankful for this chapter of challenges, fears, worries, pain, fatigue, doubt, and pretty much every other not fun thing you can imagine because, I am able to cherish, appreciate, and love all the good things I have been given even more.

 

 

xo, Courtney Beth

 

 

 

"Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing remains
One thing remains

Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me

On and one and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never ever have to be afraid
One thing remains

In death and in life I'm confident and covered by the power of your great love
My debt is paid there's nothing that can separate my heart from your great love"