Hearing the words "you cannot have children on your own" made me...

 ...EAT! As soon as I left my first appointment in April, I remember going through the Culver's drive through and getting a mint chocolate shake. A large. I drank that milkshake before I even made it back to the theatre (maybe a mile away) and it made me feel so good. It filled a hole in my heart that was just ripped away and it was a feeling that I wanted to keep. So I kept eating. A LOT. Most days, I didn't even want to talk to Seth about how I felt so, I ate. He never knew though and he still isn't convinced I ate a lot but, it is very easy to eat things in the car, at work, and in the other room. Every bite I took made me feel so good, it took away my pain and I could hide behind every pound that crept on! Before long, the pants that I bought in January no longer fit me and soon after that my "fat pants" wouldn't budge. I kept saying "I'm stressed, I"m tired, I have pcos, I don't have time" and so many more excuses that made my guilt go away for not caring for myself. I remember one week I ate Chinese 3 days in a row AND had ice cream everyday that week. Skinny cow chocolate bars don't count if you're eating the whole box at once! I knew I needed to make a change, I am not dumb and I am sure people noticed and possibly judged me for my lack of will power and fast food trash filled car but, for some reason I still couldn't get over my love of all things high carb, high fat, and fried! In 6 months, I went from 143.8lbs to 186.8lbs. I GAINED 43 POUNDS IN 6 MONTHS! When that number was on the scale, I soon realized what my secret love had done to me! I felt betrayed by the one thing that took away my sadness and then it hit me...I haven't prayed, like truly prayed about my fears and heartbreak in 6 months. No wonder I was eating my weight in birthday cake flavored oreos! I was trying to fill this pain on my own when Jesus was holding out his hand the entire time waiting for me so patiently to grab it, I needed him to hold me and to fill the hole, take away the heartbreak, and take away the worries that I had been holding on to for so long!

When I think about the weight I have gained, I think of it this way...each pound is a burden I am carrying. Imagine I put on a jacket for every fear I have and the jacket pockets are so full of things weighing me down but, I keep layering them on. Some of the jackets I am wearing right now are fear of the pain I could continue to have, guilt of not giving Seth children, guilt of spending a lot of time and money on me, feeling unworthy, not feeling beautiful, guilt of being worried and fearful, not giving enough time to relationships...oh I could go on. Do you see what I am saying? Those are all my "jackets" that I am wearing and it is very uncomfortable! When I decided to get it together and realize that I cannot do ANYTHING on my own and to give it all (trying to give it all) to God I realized that I had work to do!

I decided to join a Shakeology program with a sweet Coach, Robyn Hurst. She was very encouraging and believed in me and I have met some other really incredible woman during the challenge group! I drank 1 shake for breakfast (sometimes I would have it at lunch, too), logged my food in myfitnesspal, and was motivated daily by my groupmates, coach, and so many inspiring people on mfp and instagram! I did the Slim in 6 workout dvd and tried to walk/jog 2 miles a day, and am currently doing a squat challenge! The point is, I have made it 30 days! I have shed 7 "jackets" and am starting to feel like me again! Do I have a long way to go? YES! Do I mess up? Everyday. Is it tempting to go back to my old ways? Extremely!  Even though I am not too proud of the way I handled my emotions at first, I can see now that because I stumbled so very badly, I am now more faithful than ever! Through it all, I am thankful for that bump in my journey because it has taught me that I am not in control of ANYTHING but with God, that is when I am an overcomer! I am beating this everyday and I am very excited and nervous to share with y'all my 30 day progress! When I chose to trust God and spend some more quality time with him , I CHOSE health, happiness, and I know that because of that choice, with God, I will have a very happy, healthy story to tell! You have chosen to follow my maybebaby journey and this is a HUGE part of it so, here you go...

Age 22
Height 5'6"

Before:

Weight 186.8
Chest 39
Waist 33.5
Hips 46.5
R. Thigh 27.5
L. Thigh 27.5
R. Arm 14
L. Arm 13.5
Widwaist 39.5

After:

Weight 179
Chest 37.5
Waist 30.5
Hips 43.75
R. Thigh 25.5
L. Thigh 26
R. Arm 13
L. Arm 12.5
Widwaist 37.5

xo, courtney 

Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20