Today was the day, the dreaded Thursday.
I could go on about the many reasons why I was not a fan of this day but, there is no need to go through those emotions again; Thursday was good to me...God was good to me.
I started the day as a frantic mess, pushing snooze too many times on my alarm, trying to make Wednesday come back to me but, when 7:30am showed itself, I knew my time had come. I am pretty sure I shaved my legs 10 times and reheated my coffee until it tasted bitter, anxiously awaiting for the day to start. I had decided that I wanted to look extra nice today, I felt it would give more confidence no matter the news I would soon find out. However, when my sweet Nanny pulled into my driveway, I knew that we had to go, my makeup was not on and all I had time to do with my hair was a braid complete with a bow. I felt like a mess but of course nanny made me feel like the prettiest girl she's seen so, off we went to face my fears in Springfield. (I did, by the way, do my makeup in the car!) I tried not to let nanny see my fears as we drove away but, knowing Nanny, she knew. We are so much alike in many ways that I think we read each others minds. I like it though because it is such an honor to know that I am like such an amazing lady like her!
When we arrived at the Woman's Clinic, we were happily greeted by such a beautiful building that made my ovaries feel quite fancy because a place that looks this good, obviously knows what they are doing. (haha!) My sweet Seth couldn't get off work to come with me so, shortly after we arrived, my momma was there too! I cannot even begin to explain how much it meant for her to be there with me. A mom and a husband's love are so different, both are so needed and wonderful and I thank God that I have such incredible love from them both! Inside the clinic was just as beautiful, and the receptionist was very kind to me even when it took me pretty much 10 minutes to give her my insurance card and to pay for the appointment! I always love a sweet first impression of someone and she got a gold star from me!
The wait was very short and soon, a beautiful nurse with a great smile called my name and I stood up confidently knowing that God was on my side and that no matter what I were to hear, it would be exactly what's meant for this great journey! I quickly pulled mom with me through the door and off we went. As soon as we went through that door we knew that it would change everything...good or bad but, we still went! Sitting in the room telling the nurse all of my information, explaining the past 6-12 months was VERY tiring. Bringing up so much heartache, unanswered questions, shame, and fear was very difficult but, never once did I feel judged, alone, or "crazy!" She was very understanding and just so kind about every emotion I was feeling as we talked about the information needed. I already felt so taken care of in just a matter of 15 minutes-what a relief!
Not too long after, our door opened and in came a very lovely, smiling lady who welcomed us very sweetly and I instantly felt so much comfort! We once again went over everything, how I feel, what I've been through, what the goal is...it was a lot! She took everything in and once again, understood. She was full of information and so much knowledge about my needs and was very confident in the help that she could give me. She was not pushy at all just very knowledgeable about what I needed to get my body working! It was such a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders because of all I have been through, I was very fearful of feeling pushed around or misguided with all of the big words and fancy technology that my mind does not understand at all! I never felt that way at all! Thank you Jesus!
Last week, I had blood work done but, I had yet to hear the results and was feeling very uneasy about the unknowns and "what ifs" that the tests could show. She happily offered to share the results with me rather than I waiting another 2 weeks to hear them back in Branson and I happily thought that it was a great idea!
I am VERY excited to say that my blood work came back normal! No high cholesterol, diabetes, low iron, thyroid issues, or any of the other scary unknowns that felt very real to me. I am thanking and praising God for that incredible report! My mom and I cried for a bit with happiness knowing that nothing more was causing the difficulties! This was most definitely another thank you Jesus moment!
The news that I was not too happy to hear was that once again, my blood pressure was high and it was higher than last time. I do believe that it was partly the nerves of being at the Dr but, I still need to watch it because it does run in my family. The main thing to help this is that I have got to CALM DOWN! My anxiety, stress, fatigue, and worry can no longer consume me! I am understanding the importance of needed calm and peace in my life and that will be a big hurdle during this journey.
My biggest question throughout this appointment was "can I have babies?" And I could hardly hold in my joy when the answer was "yes!" The Dr was fully confident that I will be a mother someday! Step A: I have to get my body functioning normal and healthy again. Step B: have little Murphrees!! With that being said, I started medication this evening and I will continue it for 10 days to start a cycle and during that I will go back to the Dr (we're going to be best friends by the end of this journey) and I will have more blood work and ultrasounds to figure out what my body is doing! I am so thankful that she is going to take her time to figure out what is happening and why my body isn't doing it's thing on its own. She is very confident that she will help me but guess what?! God knew that this would be the next step all along! He knew I had to scare myself into thinking all of my "what ifs" that way I could once again truly learn that his plan is far better than my own! I can honestly say that I felt peace the entire appointment.
Even through the fear!
Seth and I still have a lot of decisions to make and prayers to be said so that we are always doing what God has laid out for us, we never want to stray from that during our maybebaby journey!
I walked into the building with fear and left with such an unexplainable peace. I received close to 75 texts, fb messages, comments, and calls and I could feel so many prayers and hugs throughout the day! God knew that by opening up my heart to others that it would not just touch someone else but, it would heal me! I cannot express the love I have in my somewhat weary heart because of the open arms I have been experiencing!
I started this blog because I had to release the pain I held onto so tightly. I never thought that anyone would read it or even care so much and I have found God more than I ever have within my soul and in each of you! Your prayers are felt and cherished and you will forever be apart of this love story that is unfolding more each day!
That is the biggest thank you Jesus moment of them all!
xo, courtney
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