...I wonder.

I am the hair and makeup stylist at a theatre in Branson and we just had our bittersweet closing of the show we have now done for 2 seasons. Our next show opens on Nov. 2nd so, we started our changeover at the theatre which means the long days getting ready for the new show have begun! My job is a bit odd because last night I was there until after 11pm washing beards. 

96 beards in fact. I have a lot more to go. 

 Having a bit of time alone last night and today left my work area quiet (at times) and I spent those moments deep in thought. My mind became consumed with so many questions and I have to be honest, most of it wasn't good. I felt very attacked and anxious with my wondering mind. 

Was I being deceived or were these thoughts true? 

Seth is the best husband to me and at times I feel guilty that he is going through this. 

I wonder "do I deserve him?" 

Insurance doesn't cover everything because infertility isn't "medically necessary" to treat so I worry about money because everything is so expensive. 

I wonder "can we afford it?" 

The medicine I've been taking for 10 days made me very sick and fatigued. 

I wonder "is it worth it?"

 I can be very introverted and since opening up, there have been a lot of questions and attention. 

I wonder "do they really care?" 

Since sharing about my weight gain, I've struggled with negative thoughts about myself. 

I wonder "can I really ever have self control?" 

Struggling with infertility and PCOS is a constant reminder of a battle I must overcome. 

I wonder "am I brave enough?" 

In the middle of my questions, worry, and doubts, I heard a peaceful whisper saying "...yes." 

 Seth and I were made for each other, to walk hand in hand, 

slow dancing through this journey to our love story ending. 

 If the treatment will help my body be healthy and do what it is supposed to then, 

maybe the insurance will cover and if not, the money will come (who wants a haircut? Haha) 

Today, on my 10th day of my 10 day Provera medication, I started a cycle; my 3rd one since last November...worth the nausea! 

Since I started sharing our maybebaby journey, so many beautiful people have contacted us, sent letters, prayers, and hugs...how could I ever be more blessed!

 I will forever struggle with my weight because food is a special love of mine but, my health, MY FUTURE is worth taking control of! 

I will never be brave on my own but, God has designed me for this journey if I like it or not (mostly not, honestly) and he is giving me the courage to be a fearless overcomer! 

Every doubt and question that my mind works up, a perfect answer comes. 

I will have a doctors appointment sometime next week and Seth has many obligations at work which means he cannot come with me again which creates so much fear in me. I almost wrote a breakup letter to every day next week. I'm scared and that's okay. 

It's perfectly understandable that my stress and anxiety creeps in knowing that I will have ultrasounds, blood work, and be told all sorts of things while I'm all by myself. 

I've found that I like being surrounded by family and friends and I will no longer feel like a burden! 

I wonder 

"what bad news will I get now?" 

"am I ovulating yet?" "will a cyst burst?"  

Every time I go in for an ultrasound I have this fantasy that when they start it, they will say 

"praise God, YOU'RE PREGNANT!" and then there will be happy Dr visits, surprise announcements, and my secret pinterest boards will be public for all to see how cute of a mommy I am. 

When I am finished dreaming, I quickly imagine God saying 

"Oh, Court...you are SO cute but, don't you remember that I am the one with the plan! It's a lot better than yours, you know? 

So keep pinning in secret because I promise, your journey is pretty cool! 
I've got it." 

Then I feel his arms around me, holding me tight. 

I wonder "what amazing things are coming?" 

xo, courtney

When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid.

Psalm 56:3