Sometimes, I'm not okay.

(written on Wednesday)

 The unknown was scary, terribly heartbreaking and scary because so many things could be wrong. My mind (because of Satan) and Web MD told me the absolute worst things ever were happening. The past few months have been the most difficult I have ever experienced and trust me, Satan has attacked me before and he did it good. I know pain, rejected, and sadness. My heart has broken and I have cried a million tears. But, I have never in my life felt like this. Everything was unknown. You may ask..."why didn't you go to the doctor sooner?"
Well, I ask myself the same thing and all I can think of is that

 knowing what's wrong might just be harder than the unknown.

It is.

 

 I had been on a medicine called Provera which is a hormone called Progesterone, it was to kick start a cycle. On the 10th day, before I took my 10th pill, it worked. If you have your cycle every month, especially if it is at the same time, then I don't want to hear it about your cramps.
 If you have never had a medical issue in this area or if you've never had a cycle kick started by medicine then you have never experienced this misery.
 Let me add, this is my 3rd cycle in a year. Only one of those I did all by myself. So, this is terrible.
However, I have never been so happy to have a cycle. I truly am understanding God's perfect design for a woman's body and realize how important it is for it to work. I  cried when my cycle started and then sent a little text to a few people ending with a picture of a rupturing volcano.

 

Well...because the medicine worked, I had a doctors appointment yesterday. I knew that the purpose of the medicine was to start a cycle and then they would do an ultrasound and blood work. On Monday, my doctor at the Woman's Clinic called so we could have a phone appointment since she couldn't attend my appointment on Tuesday. She let me know that after this visit, that insurance would no longer cover anything and that I needed to bring a $300 deposit with me. Tears automatically started to fall as she continued to say that we would need to keep replenishing that deposit after a few visits. Well, I know that we could never afford that so, I asked "let's say that the sole purpose of this is to never have children but instead just to manage what's going on and keep me having cycles and ovulating...what would we do?" She told me that yes, there is an alternative options that insurance will cover because it is not infertility medication but just to keep my body going. I am very upset with the mindset that infertility is not medically necessary and I am sorry if you believe it isn't but, you are wrong...and that is hurtful. I am however, grateful to know that there is an alternative because the most important thing is to get me healthy. All that to be said is that I was a bit emotional going into this appointment. Also, I was told that my ultrasound technician was going to be a man. That news didn't settle with my highly hormonal state of mind either. I was a mess.

 

My sweet pea Seth was once again not able to come with me because of important deadlines at work. I wasn't very happy about that but I understood and my pretty momma was able to come and be with me. That was very nice! On my way to the appointment, I drank 3 bottles of water and another in the waiting room trying to prep for the ultrasound only to soon remember that my bladder needed to be empty. Oops. I actually had to stop in the middle of the ultrasound because we watched it fill back up on the screen. Oh my life is so weird! With much unhappiness about originally meeting this male ultrasound tech, I am so happy to say that he was the bomb! I truly believe that he is an angel especially since he only has 2 weeks left at that office and I will probably never see him again. He was so nice, encouraging, and very modest. A trans vaginal ultrasound isn't the most awesome thing ever so, having such a good person do it was such a relief! His name is David and he was an awesome Christian man who spoke so passionately about Christ and how he is the only way to get through a journey such as mine. He took time to explain EVERYTHING, what he is looking for, what it means, what it will look like and I even had a screen in front of me so that he could explain it all in the moment! Wowza, I have never felt this comfortable and knowledgeable about that was happening. God knew that I needed this experience to lift my spirits and I believe that he kept David at the office just to be a light to me in this journey! His daughter is 28 and has pcos...AND IS 37 WEEKS PREGNANT! He understood my hurt and definitely my mommas! During my ultrasound, it was confirmed that I do have pcos. My ovaries are enlarged and have multiple follicles and right away, he knew. I am not sure why my heart sank as much as it did. I've known it could be that for 7 months now. It isn't anything worse than that. I felt so hopeful yet hopeless at the same time. I think that the knowing made it hard. Knowing that something is wrong made is hard. It's not just stress. It's not just fatigue. There really truly is something. 

My beautiful momma and I spent the afternoon after my appointment together and right away we were about to discuss the appointment and I told her "I can't." So, because she is awesome, we didn't. We just laughed and talked about normal things. We got pedicures and went to a few stores and just lived, enjoying those moments completely. We ended our time together talking about it and the best moment was her just letting me be sad and holding me in her arms. 

Today, I started my new medicine. It was only 73 cents because it isn't actually an infertility drug. That was nice! It's called Metformin and is actually for diabetics but is the best medicine for pcos. You see, there is no cure for this, only managing it and this medicine helps with that.
 I am so happy that I had this option!

However, today was seriously the worst day I've had in this journey. I've been "okay" for months now, dealing with things as happily as I can and truly praising God in every step. But, today was not that day. Today was quite terrible and I spent most of the day wishing for it to end. I am struggling with this cycle, very heavy and long and honestly I'm just not used to it. My heart is broken knowing that I really have pcos. My mind is dark. The Metformin makes me sick. So very sick. Really, at this moment, I'm not thankful at all. I'm just sad. I'm sad that I have to go through this. I don't like being sick. I can't eat anything, and I'm just done. I sit hear asking God "why? Why me? Why can't this just be easy? I already struggle with my weight, insecurities, and depression so...why this?!" I've cried a million tears today for many different reasons and I can't help but feel broken in this moment.  

(Written on Thursday)

When I got home last night, all I wanted to do was put in my fuzzy socks and pants and cozy up under my heaty blanket. Well, I came home to my fuzzy socks scattered across the floor half eaten by my dogs. We've been so busy working so much that they've been acting out but, I couldn't be mad. I just sunk to the hallway floor holding my fuzzy socks crying and both of my sweet pups came and laid next to me. I've come to find that God gives me those comfortingly cute moments just when I need them. When Seth got home he had flowers for me and a few minutes later, Seth's sweet momma (Cynthia) and step dad (Don) brought me new fuzzy socks and a cozy new heaty blanket! I sat there warm and comforted reading articles that my momma sent me through out the day about pcos and metformin and I felt peace for the first time all day. 

Today, I am just as sick, if not worse, and I'm not in the best spirits but, I know that I truly am okay! I know that every so often, I will have days like yesterday where I just ask God "why?!" and he is right there holding me saying "because, it's part of your journey." If I have come to know one thing so deeply, it's that I have the most incredible people taking care of me and praying for me and that God chose such special people to hold me close during this. Days like yesterday is a hard thing to be honest about because I want so badly to keep it together all the time. However, it's healing for me to write it out and someday, I will look back on this and thank God for every moment. In sickness, heartbreak, pain, and doubt. It is molding me into the woman I am meant to be.
I'm not okay now, but I will be! 

xo, courtney  

 

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 

 

Photos from our happily heartbreaking Tuesday.