...I don't remember the song ending like that.

Hi, I'm Courtney...I was your typical little girl, I played with barbies, baby dolls, Disney princess movies, and my sister (Ashley) was/is my best friend. We always pretended to be mommies or sometimes she was the mommy and I was the daddy (we have good imaginations and had great dress up clothes to be Mr. and Mrs. Taylor!) My childhood was great and I still am sometimes speechless when I think about the incredible (southern) family that I have! My dad was a youth minister my entire childhood and my mom was right there with him the entire time! They were such incredible examples to so many youth, children, and my sis and I! Of course we had normal family differences and by no means were/are we perfect but, Jesus is the foundation of our love and that conquers everything! With my dad in the ministry we moved a lot and moving isn't an easy thing to do especially when you leave your best friends in the middle of 10th grade, I will never blame my parents, although I know I haven't always acted like that and to be honest, I know I said hurtful things in the moment. I think I will leave that story for another time but, I do have to share with you that I can now see the beauty in a lot of those difficult moments and because of that "tragic" move, I am now stronger, more loving, accepting, and forgiving than I ever was. I also hold on to my family and friends tighter than ever before because I know how quickly things can change and the heartache that the unknown brings. I truly believe that God was shaping me in those moments years ago to prepare me for the things happening now; he was forming me into an overcomer, a fearless overcomer!

Fast forward to August 7th 2011, the best day of my life! I married the ever so handsome, Seth James Murphree! Taking his last name is the best decision I have ever made! Someday I will write about our love story, it's pretty sweet! Seth is an artist, a very talented artist! He is a Godly man and he loves me so much. I can honestly say that I am very confident with who I am in Christ and as Seth's wife; I love it! We have difficult days and different opinions about many things but, I cannot imagine my life without this cutie and his family!! I love loving him!

Fast forward to May 8th 2012, my sweet precious niece Lola Belle was born. Oh my goodness, how have I never been able to experience so much love for such a tiny person before! She is the most beautiful blonde haired, blue eyed, dimpled cheeked, smiling girl I have ever seen and she is now my sweet almost 1.5 year old! My sister (Ashley) and brother in love (Jordan) are such amazing parents and I have loved seeing them go through so many new things together since becoming Lola's mommy and daddy! Ashley now gets to stay home with Lola and 2 of her little friends and boy does it make my heart happy to get pictures and videos everyday of them, I love these girls so much! Jordan is such a hard worker; he is a school councilor and a softball coach. He will do anything to provide for the pretty girls waiting for him at home and is such a great man of God!!  Lola also made my mom and dad 1st time grandparents; they've always been awesome parents but now, they are the bomb grandparents (they remind me of mine)! I just love to see them love Lola, they play, sing, dance, and laugh with her. It's AMAZING!! Now let's talk about Seth and Lola....she stole his heart! He swoons over her, every photo, video, and cute thing she does! I am pretty sure she may be crazy over him too! I love seeing Seth interact with Lola, let's talk about being even more attracted to your husband, ladies...THIS IS IT! Find a cute baby and watch him fall in love and then you even more so! May 8th 2012 changed our families lives in the best way and I love being an aunt....hint hint Ash!

Fast forward to August 8th 2012, our 1st anniversary. So, people say that the 1st year can be the hardest so, we braced ourselves and prayed! Well, I am happy to say that it was fab! Looking back on our first year, it was a blast, learning so much about each other and ourselves and I loved it (even when I didn't want to love it!) So, on our anniversary date day, we went zip lining, to the zoo, to the caves, shopping, out to eat and oh boy was it fun! We wore our "I love my wife" and "I love my husband" t-shirts and had the best day together! Here comes the point...while we were at the caves, our tour guide pulled Seth aside (it was weird because he made me go inside!) and they talked for just a bit. When Seth came in he just grabbed my hand and acted like nothing just happened and we started walking. Well, I am not a timid little wife, I wanted to know what that man said and I did not want to wait until later!

Here is how it went:

Tour Guide: "Excuse me sir, this may sound strange but, is your wife pregnant?"    

Seth: "Um no sir, she definitely is not.........why?"  

Tour guide: "Well, when I looked at the two of you on the tram, God just spoke to me to tell you that you will be blessed with a baby"     

Well, we laughed and called him our "Cave Prophet" and just thought it was the funniest thing. I did however go home and take a pregnancy test-negative. I did not however actually tell anyone how deeply that negative broke my heart because I truly believe that God speaks to us and I wanted that "Cave Prophet" to be right so badly.

Fast forward to November 2012, the month that I stopped taking birth control. For some reason or another, I thought I was pregnant and so I got excited and thought welp, might as well just stop taking it...just in case! (I actually wanted to surprise everyone at Christmas with a baby announcement-I even had it drawn up!) So, the reason why I never started back my birth control is because I never had (as Seth would say) "special time" but, the reason I am not sitting here writing about my cute babies is because I was also not pregnant. Did I go to the dr right away, of course not.....

Fast Forward to April 20th (I think) 2013, I FINALLY made a dr appointment for the next week. Oh and by the way...none of my family knew about any of this, I am a people pleaser and I don't ever like people to worry about me. Not a good idea! The weekend after I made the appointment and a few days before it, I went to visit Ashley and Lola to have some good girl’s time! I woke up on Monday morning in the most horrible pain I have ever encountered on the right side of my lower body. I jog/walked a 5k the Saturday before so I kept telling Ashley "I bet I pulled something" even though I knew it had to be more and I never admitted how badly it hurt and I never let the tears fall from my fear and pain in front of her. My dr appointment was the next day so I just kept telling myself “It’s just a pulled muscle, just walk it out, don't think about it, you're going to the dr tomorrow!" When I got to this new dr I was scared, scared to be honest and admit that I hadn't had a period in almost 6 months, scared to admit about my pain, fatigue, stress, and the feeling of going crazy! I had to get blood work done and she sent me back to work but said to come back later for ultrasounds because something was wrong. I called my mom crying. Crying because I hadn't told her about everything, for putting a constant smile on even when I wanted to run to her and cry. Crying because my fear, the fear of the unknown, failure as a woman, fear of the pain continuing. Remember when I said how great she is, well, even though she was 2 hours away, I never felt closer...I finally felt some relief and I love her more than ever for that moment sitting in my works parking lot crying out to her! When I got to work (I am the hair/makeup stylist at a theatre) I had to have a talk with the actors about who knows what and I remember two of my best friends coming to me and letting me sob on their shoulders they hugged me and then prayed over me and I knew they would be incredible friends in my life because of that moment! Seth brought me flowers to the hospital before my ultrasound and he let me cry and hold his hand, he is such a good man! A few days later, the dr called and told me that I have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome even though they didn't see any cysts, only fluid from one bursting and said that I couldn't have children on my own without help. WOW! That is a very hard thing to hear and I was truly crushed. I remember just texting my mom and Ash because I couldn't talk on the phone, I went home and fell asleep crying. In the moment of things, it is very hard to remember how amazing God is and that he has the most perfect plan, far better than our own and I feel it is okay to be broken hearted during difficult times as long as in my heart, I know who is writing my story for me!

Fast forward to October 1st and 2nd 2013, it's been around 6 months since I was diagnosed and I decided to seek out a new family dr and I had appointments on Monday and Tuesday. In the last 6 months, I have gained 43 pounds (I have lost 5 of them as of today! yay!), had 3 cysts burst,  1 of those involved blood loss which was never confirmed or denied to be a cyst or a miscarriage (that is hard to say!), I have felt broken hearted, confused, overwhelmed, crazy, unworthy, attacked and a lot of other things that Satan has thrown my way, I had 1 period due to medicine and 1 period on my own, I have taken probably 15-20 pregnancy test which all come back negative and thrown away with a small piece of my heart, I was told to start birth control again because I didn't sound like I was really ready to have children, I have had phone calls from the dr un returned, questions unanswered, but I still plastered a smile on my face at most times. Well, on Monday, I had extensive blood work done (which I will find out about soon) and on Tuesday I had to get ultrasounds to check for cysts. During my ultrasound they found that both of my ovaries are covered in cysts which are new since my last ultrasound in April and leaves me teary eyed at the thought of the unexplainable pain when they burst that I will continue to have. I love my new family dr, they are a great Christian people who encouraged me and listened to all of my fears and troubles and I had a 2 hour long appointment because of their great care for me! They still have not diagnosed me because my blood work has not come back entirely yet but, because of what the past year and especially 6 months have been like and the report from my ultrasound, I will be seeing an infertility specialist next Thursday. I am told it will be best to give me the treatments and individual attention that I need. Hearing that really tore me up, a lot of questions have been asked and a lot of tears have been shed in the past 3 days and I feel very weary about the journey ahead of me but, I am not alone. My God is greater than this, he is more powerful than cysts and infertility, he is the utmost healer, and he CHOSE me to not put me through this but, to GO THROUGH IT WITH ME! I am not alone at all; I am surrounded by the most incredible amazing family, beautiful sweet friends, and a husband who will hold my hand no matter where life takes us!

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes.........whatever God allows to come!

xo, Courtney

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  Jeremiah 29:11