Well...

Now that my Dr appointments are fewer, my nausea has calmed down, the newness of sharing my heart isn't as scary, what do I do? It is still just as hard but, it isn't new anymore. I keep thinking to myself things like "Oh, I have been so faithful and thankful, I just know that this will go away any day now!" and "well, since I had a cycle, I guess this is it...I am obviously going to get pregnant now!" I have caught myself looking at baby decorations and maternity clothes because my flesh and heart yearn for that so badly. I so desperately ache for the morning sickness, the delivery pain, the long sleepless nights, and the newness of a growing family. I toss and turn at night dreaming of my baby and cry out to God to just answer my prayer and let this past year's struggle just go away.

 

Listen to me. What I need.  My dreams. My wants. What I pray for. Make it easy for me.

 

WOW! When I read that, I realize how my heart is filled up with so many selfish desires. Anything that Courtney wants, Courtney gets...is that really my attitude? How have I gotten so far away from what I am praying for!? I pray to be a better wife, friend, daughter, sister, employee and someday mother but my eyes have been opened to how far I have fallen from those things, how self serving and distracted I am. I have lost sight of the blessing I have now because I yearn for a new blessing. Even though I pray, worship, and cry out to God, I have realized that I am not asking, I am telling. I tell him the things I want and then I expect to get them and every month that I am not pregnant, I am broken hearted. Every time I take my medicine, I am ungrateful. When I get sick, I am resentful. When I have pain from a cyst, I am filled with self pity. For months, my prayers have been filled with surface level praise and thanks, masking my ugly heart.

 

 

I want my heart to be filled with the fruits of the spirit.

love.joy.peace.patience.kindness.goodness.faithfulness.gentleness.self-control.

 

I want to know God, deeply. I want to yearn for him and not my fleshy desires.

I want to give him all of my fear, pain, worry, control, stress, anxiety, and sadness.

I want to glorify him with every word and thought throughout this journey.

I want to...

Live selfless. Love unconditional. Praise continual.

 

These are the I's that should consume my heart.

 

What do I do now?

I make the most of this journey. I better myself daily. I become a more loving lady.

I do all that I can to glorify God.

 

Will I fall short? every.single.day.

 

I pray that I will be able to take my bad attitudes, confusion, pain, heartache, and anger and turn them into thanksgiving because it means that everyday I am learning and growing more.

During this time of waiting, when I want so badly to call out and say "any time now" I pray that I will use it to become the lady I can be. The wife I can be. The future momma that I will be.

 

God is at work and I will be praise him.

He is so good.

 

xo, courtney

 

God is magnificent; he can never be praised enough.

There are no boundaries to his greatness.

Psalm 145:3

 

God’s there, listening for all who pray,

for all who pray and mean it.

Psalm 145:18

 

Hallelujah!

O my soul, praise God!

All my life long I’ll praise God,

singing songs to my God as long as I live.

Psalm 146:1-2