[Thank you Jesus for being the greatest gift ever. I am blessed to enjoy small earthly gifts of friends, family, and material items because I know that my eternal gift is far more than I can ever imagine! I don't know how people go through life without Jesus because I know that during this past (sometimes terrible) year, I would've never made it without him. He is a gift, not forced upon us and so lovingly waits for us to accept the gift. Any bad time will be bearable and good times will be filled with unending joy!]
It's the HAP-Happiest season of ALL....unless you're infertile!
Okay, fine, that was a bit dramatic but, there were some really difficult moments this year.
Like, sitting next to my friend's child and pretending she was mine just to know what it feels like, crying a little at the American Girl store because I wanted to be the momma that takes her little girl and her doll to the bakery, bawling (almost as much as my 19 month old niece) when I had to leave my parents house because this past year has made me realize how special parents are!
When I say there were difficult moments, I actually mean embarrassing moments. "WHO AM I" moments when I cry because getting PCOS and Infertility books for Christmas made me so happy, or how I convinced myself that I was pregnant and Seth and I would announce it-I even picked out how we would announce it. I cry for no reason-daily. Seriously, my eyes have decided that every emotion deserves a good cry and it doesn't even matter where I am, I will cry. Funny thing is, I still am in too much denial to buy waterproof mascara. So not only am I crying in Walmart because the baby on the Pampers Diaper box is so cute, I also have black running down my face mixed in with a runny nose and without a single Kleenex. This has become my life, I am, without shame, weird.
My sweet baby niece Lola Belle seriously has my heart and oh my, I just love her so much! Everything she does is incredible, she is learning so much, talking more, and has the best laugh ever!!
For Christmas, Lola got a baby doll that moves it's mouth and eyes when you feed her and before the doll was out of it's box, Lola was so excited with a big grin, begging to love on her new little doll. This baby is almost as big as Lola but in her mind, she was a mommy and she would carry her doll saying "bebe", giving her a kiss, and saying "shh, shh, shh" to all of us talking as she rocked her baby. At the moment I realized how as little girls, we have something in us that just wants to nurture and love our own little "bebe." As I sat there watching this precious little girl, I prayed over her sweet life as she grows. I think the main reason why this past year has been such a struggle is because something that I have always wanted since a little girl holding my "bebe" is no longer as obtainable as I thought. It's a really hard thing to grasp and I have to remind myself daily that my value and worth is not being able to have a child. My value and worth is knowing who is on my side and realizing that God's plans usually are not my own. I have to learn to be okay.
The past few days have been a little rough, no cycle has come and no positive has followed which means more medicine.
On Christmas night, I had just had it and my eyes swelled with tears as I talked to Seth on the way home. Soon, there was no holding back, I couldn't be strong like I wanted because my heart was hurting so badly and when we got home, sitting in the car in the garage, he put his arms around me and prayed. I realize that I don't give Seth or myself many sweet moments like that because I don't like admitting how sad and scared I am but, I realize now, more than ever that it is our journey.
I would so love to have incredible words to give or inspiring weight loss photos to share but, for now, all I can do is treasure being an aunt, love Seth more than ever, cherish family and friends, and embrace being a little weird.
xo, Courtney
“She is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future.”
so proud of who you are, the strength you exhibit (yes, you do), & grateful to be counted as a friend. You are a TREASURE.
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